I've been searching to find What makes me try again But I don't see the connection Between love and a man I'm looking for a missing person One that I used to know There was one of two That was me and you But now there's a new place to go Help me find my way Please God don't let me go 'Cause I'm still looking Looking for that missing person I oughta know +-----------------------------------------------------------+ | Daigakusei no Ukyou: As You Like It | | | | Created by David Tai, Paul Gallegos, | | John Walter Biles and Jeff Hosmer | | | | Based on the characters created by Rumiko Takahashi | +-----------------------------------------------------------+ ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Episode 10: "A Spatula To The Head" ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- [Open on the Engineering Building, surrounded by policemen and a SWAT team. The lights of the police car flicker over the small crowd of students that have gathered to watch. One SWAT team member approaches an officer seated in his car and leans down on the window to talk to him.] SWAT members: So, what've we got here? Officer: Hostage situation, someone calling herself Kuonji Ukyou holding hostage one Tendo Akane. SWAT members: Any demands? Officer: Not yet. [A window on the top floor of the building shatters. The police draw their guns and look up. From the window, a girl's voice yells.] Girl: [yelling from window] KEEP BACK, PIGS! [A police officer in another car pulls out a megaphone.] Officer 2: RELEASE THE GIRL, KUONJI! Kuonji: I DON'T THINK SO! THERE'S A FEW THINGS I WANT FIRST! SWAT member: Here we go. Kuonji: USA out of Vietnam... oh, silly me, wrong decade... KEEP THE $%*! BACK OR IT'S TOMBOY PATE! Oh yeah, how much cash you guys got? Hey Akane, y'want anything? Oh. MY FRIEND AKANE WANTS SOME SANITARY PADS! SWAT member: [grimaces] More than I needed to know, yes. Officer: [smacks his forehead] THAT'S what I forgot to pick up at the store! My wife is gonna kill me! SWAT member: *groan* Kuonji: I WANT MONEY! LOTS OF IT! I WANT A REAL GUN! WHY CAN'T I GET A REAL GUN IN JAPAN?! AND I WANT A CAR! AND A BURRITO! A BIG FRICKIN' BURRITO! SWAT member: [blinking] What's a burrito? Officer: [shrugs] Dunno, I think it's Mexican. Officer 2: It's like a big egg roll, with lots of chee- [The top half of the engineering building explodes. Bricks, steel, and glass fly through the air, causing the crowd to scream and panic. The police take cover in their cars, and the SWAT officer dives into the back of the Officer's car for cover.] SWAT member: [sighs] Oh boy. * * * [Four Days Earlier...] [Open on the campus quad, where the Mizunoikan Annual Carnival, Fair, and Waste Of Time is being held. Akane, Ukyou, and Makiko are strolling through the hodgepodge of booths, tables, and roped-off displays that cover the area.] Akane: [in mild disgust] That has to be the worse excuse for a fortune teller I've ever seen. Ukyou: [snickering] What, just because she predicted you could find employment this summer as a swimming instructor? Makiko: Or because she then tried to placate you by telling you that you could also find employment as a chef? Akane: [grinning] I think it was when she gave up on me and predicted that you'd marry your childhood sweetheart that I got tired of her. Ukyou: Sure could run, though. Hey, Akane, you still coming over later for more okonomiyaki lessons? Akane: Yup... [she points] hey, take a look over there! [Ukyou and Makiko glance over to where she points. An open air stage, emblazoned with the words "Sano Ichiichi, Master Hypnotist," stands in a corner. A knot of people cluster around it.] Makiko: [wrinkling her nose] Hypnotism? Isn't that all just a fake? Ukyou: Oh, not at all! We had one come to my school once. He made people think they were ducks and pigs and cats and all kinds of things. Akane: If that's Furinkan you're talking about, not much of a trick. Ukyou: [smirking] Nah, this was my junior high. It worked, really it did. Makiko: [skeptical] I bet the 'hypnotized' people were just pretending it worked, or got paid off, or something. Ukyou: [poking her] Tell you what, Maki-chan. Why don't you volunteer when the hypnotist asks for someone in the audience? Makiko: [patiently] Sure, but he won't pick me. He'll pick his partner, who'll then pretend to be hypnotized. I'm telling you, it's all a con. [They walk over to the stage just as a tall man dressed in black strides out onto it.] Hypnotist: [booming voice] I am SANO ICHIICHI, master of MESMERISM and HYPNOTISM, holder of ARCANE SECRETS that have been passed down for GENERATIONS by the ancient and mystical MONKS OF LENG. My powers will SHOCK and AMAZE you! Makiko: See? This guy's about as arcane as a ham sandwich, and contains far more baloney. Let's go. Hypnotist: [glaring at her] May I have a VOLUNTEER from the AUDIENCE? [Akane and Ukyou both push Makiko forward. Makiko shrugs, and raises her hand.] Makiko: [resignedly] I'll do it. Hypnotist: VERY WELL! Ascend to the SACRED grounds of the TEMPLE OF MESMER! Makiko: Huh? Hypnotist: [sighing] Get your ass up on stage, moron. Makiko: Oh. [She climbs up onto the platform, looking slightly embarrassed. Akane and Ukyou cheer.] Hypnotist: [pulling out a gold watch] Now, young lady, OBSERVE the watch CLOSELY as it swings in its MYSTICAL ORBIT. Makiko: [rolling her eyes] Whatever. [The watch starts to slowly swing, and Makiko watches it with a look of mild boredom.] Hypnotist: You are getting SLEEPY... your mind is CALM... your spirit is TRANQUIL... your karma is BALANCED.... your tires are ALIGNED... your oil pressure is FINE... your emissions are within FEDERAL REGULATIONS... when I snap my fingers you will ENTER a state of DEEP HYPNOSIS! [He snaps his fingers.] Hypnotist: What is your NAME? Makiko: [dazedly] U... u... uh, Makiko. Hypnotist: Makiko, for the next FOUR days, every time you HEAR the words 'CHICKEN GUMBO' you will SING 'Honky Tonk Women', by the Rolling Stones, at the top of your LUNGS. Do you understand? Makiko: Yes. Hypnotist: [whispering] Oh, and kiss that friend of yours on the lips the next time she asks you a question, got it? With some tongue. Makiko: [monotone] Yes. Hypnotist: I love this job. [ahems] When I COUNT to TEN, you will AWAKEN, feeling refreshed and recalling NOTHING! Onetwo threefourfivesixseveneightnineTEN! Makiko: [blinking] So you gonna hypnotize me or not? Hypnotist: [sadly] Guess not. [turns to Akane and Ukyou] Did you LADIES catch the name of that SOUP? Makiko: Soup? [Ukyou and Akane grin and nod. The hypnotist smirks.] Hypnotist: That is all for TODAY. Makiko: [snorts] What a joke. [She clambers off the stage and walks over to her friends.] Makiko: See? Hypnotism's a fake. Akane: [grinning] We'll see. Ukyou: [grinning] We'll see. Makiko: [frowning] Am I missing something? Akane: [innocently] Nope. Ukyou: Uh-uh. Makiko: Whatever. Ukyou: [glancing off into the distance] So where should we go next, Makiko? Haunted House, or get some lunch? [Makiko's eyes glaze. She grabs Ukyou, spins her around, and kisses her.] Akane: [wide-eyed] Um. Ukyou: [panicking] MMMPH! Makiko: [panicking] MMMMMUUPH! Hypnotist: [packing up] I love this job. * * * [Open in Ukyou and Makiko's apartment. Ukyou opens the door, walking in briskly and angrily, with an apologetic Makiko following. Ukyou pauses at the mantlepiece along the wall, grabbing her battle spatula. She turns around and shoves it between her and Makiko.] Ukyou: Keep yer distance, Makiko. Makiko: But lemme explain! Ukyou: [turning around] Explain. Makiko: I... er... Ukyou: [turning away quickly] That's what I thought. Makiko: I'm sorry! I'm _really_ sorry! [Ukyou marches right into their room, still followed by Makiko. Ukyou grits her teeth, then marches into the closet and slams the door. slamming the door in Makiko's face.] Makiko: Um, Ukyou? Ukyou: [through the door] Do you have any idea how embarrassed I am?! Makiko: It must've been the hypnotist! It wasn't my fault! Ukyou: Listen, it's none of my business if you swing that way- Makiko: [waving hands about] But I don't! Ukyou: If you felt that way about me, there were better ways to tell me than to KISS ME IN FRONT OF MY FRIEND!!! Makiko: [hanging head in shame, covering eyes with hands] It wasn't my fault! It really, really wasn't my fault! I don't know why! I don't know what came over me, but it wasn't my fault! Ukyou: I just wanna make it clear, nothing personal, that I prefer men. Makiko: I AM NOT A LESBIAN! Ukyou: I mean, even if I did cross-dress, _it_does_not_mean_anything_. Makiko: I'm telling you, I'm NOT LESBIAN! Ukyou: What was with that tongue action, then?! Makiko: I panicked! I spazz when I panic! Ukyou: Don't spazz on me! Makiko: I didn't wanna spazz on you! Ukyou: It sure felt like it! Makiko: For the last time, I AM NOT ATTRACTED TO YOU! Ukyou: Yes you are! Makiko: No I'm not! Ukyou: Yes you are! Makiko: [snarling] Come out and I'll show ya how not ATTRACTED TO YOU I AM! * * * [Outside Ukyou's apartment, Akane and Ranma are at the door. Ranma's hand is raised to knock, but just short of hitting the door. They both stare at the door with wide eyes.] Makiko's voice: ... ATTRACTED TO YOU I AM! Akane: Um... Ranma: I, um, guess they really are dating. Akane: I guess it's a bad time to visit. Ranma: Guess so. Ukyou's voice: Okay, okay, I'm outta the closet! Are you satisfied? Akane: ... Ranma: ... * * * [Ukyou and Makiko's room, night. Both of them lie in their separate beds.] Makiko: ...so I'm absolutely, positively, one-hundred-percent lesbian-free, really. Ukyou: [tiredly] I said I believed you, Maki-chan. Now shut up and let me go to sleep. Makiko: Are you sure you don't want to go to a male revue club with me, just so I can prove it? Ukyou: I'm sure. Go to sleep. Makiko: I mean, I don't want you to be uncomfortable around me or anything... would it help if I giggle more? Tee hee hee. Ukyou: Maki-chan... Makiko: Tee hee hee? Ukyou: You're about to become both straight and dead if you don't shut up and let me sleep. Makiko: [meekly] Sorry. I've been feeling funny today. Ukyou: [grumbling] Tell me about it. [she sighs] Look, it's probably just a side effect of the hypnotism. Now that I think about it, he DID whisper something in your ear. Go to sleep. Makiko: Okay. Night, Ucchan. Ukyou: Night, Maki-chan. * * * [A small, shoddy, doorless room. A black-and-white television set sits on a packing crate in one corner, the screen showing static. A new VCR, packing foam still clinging to it, has been connected to it.] [At the other end of the room, a sleeping Makiko rests propped up against a packing crate. She rolls over, mutters, and her eyelids flicker.] Makiko: [waking up] Uhhhhh.... headache.... bad headache.... Ucchan, did I get drunk last night or some... [Her eyes open, and she blinks.] Makiko: [confused] Huh? Hey, where am I? [She stands up, and glances around the room.] Makiko: [nervously] No doors.... okay, this is starting to freak me out... [shouting] HEY! IS ANYONE THERE? LET ME OUT! [She waits expectantly. Nothing happens.] Makiko: Okay, this is bad... hello, what's this? [She bends over and picks up a videotape from the floor. The label reads "View Me".] Makiko: [shrugging] Might as well. [Walking over to the VCR, she clears away the remaining packing foam and inserts the tape. After taking a moment to study the controls, she presses the play button. The screen goes black, and then the picture of her roommate appears, clad in the boy's uniform Ukyou wore in her high school days.] Ukyou: [cheerfully] Hey there, Maki-chan? Makiko: [blinking] Ucchan? What's she doing on here? Ukyou: Bet you're wondering what I'm doing on here, huh? Makiko: You could say that. What's going on? Ukyou: I bet you're also wondering where you are, huh? Well, I'll tell you. You're in a cramped, squalid, BORING little room. [Ukyou beams] And guess what? You're going to stay there for the rest of your fluffy little life! Makiko: [shocked] Ucchan? Hey, this isn't funny... Ukyou: Wondering why your lovable ol spatula-slinging girlfriend would do this to you? [Makiko mutely nods.] Ukyou: [grinning] I bet you are. You suck, Maki-chan. As I've told you before, I'M not Le Chef Kuonji. I'm just good ol' Ucchan. Makiko: [horrified] No... no, we got rid of you! Ucchan: [mimicking her distress] Oh no! Not Ucchan! That's impossible! You're not my father! [snarls] Well, believe it! Do you know how incredibly BORING this place is? Do you? Stuck here watching YOUR trite little life on this piece of junk? Well, I waited for my chance... and the second it came, I was over the wall! [she beams] So thoughtful of you to put your mind in a 'passive reception' state! Makiko: [faintly] Oh no, the hypnosis... Ucchan: [grinning] Well, love to stay and chat, but I got work to do. You know, things to see, Kuonjis to kill, Saotomes to lay, stuff like that. And you get to watch! Same bat time, same bat channel. Ciao, Maki-chan. Oh, and water my plants for me, willya? [The TV screen goes black. Makiko stares at it for a second, then sits down heavily on the packing crate.] Makiko: [dazed] Uh-oh. [Suddenly, the television flickers. Makiko blinks, and the screen shows the ceiling of Makiko's room from the POV of someone lying on her bed...] * * * [Makiko and Ukyou's room, early morning. Makiko's form stirs, blinks, and sits up.] Ucchan: [looking at her hands] I did it! I... [She stops, glances at the still sleeping Ukyou, and raises both eyebrows. Quietly getting out of bed, she tiptoes out of the room, shuts the door, and walks into the bathroom to stare at herself in the mirror.] Ucchan: [critically] A bit wimpy, hate the hairstyle, but it'll do. [She suddenly giggles maniacally, and begins to do a jig.] Ucchan: [dancing around the bathroom] I got the body! I got the body! Mine-mine-mine! Suck on THAT, Maki-chan! [She pauses dramatically, posing.] Ucchan: At last, here I am in the brave new world! A world of wonder! Beauty! Opportunity! A world with real people, who have real lives, who will lose real blood when I shoot them full of real holes with a real gun! [she pauses, overwhelmed] Finally, I can make my dreams come true and become a famous homicidal maniac! AND sleep with Ranchan! [She does her Happy Dance again.] Ucchan: Brave new world, heeeeeeeeere's Ucchan! Ukyou: [from the bedroom] Are you calling me, Maki-chan? Ucchan: [freezing] Uh-oh, it's my roomie and better half. Boy, talk about the odd couple... [yelling] No, Ukyou! Just, uh, doing... whatever it is people normally do in bathrooms! [she eyes the room with mild bafflement] Whatever that is. [Shrugging, she strolls back into the bedroom. Ukyou is sitting on the edge of her bed, yawning.] Ucchan: Hiya, Ukyou! It's me, Maki-chan, your flaky but lovable roommate! Ukyou: [squinting, bleary-eyed] Isn't it a bit early for you to be acting so... perky? Ucchan: [grinning] I decided to turn over a new leaf. So, whatcha doing today? Ukyou: [looking at her strangely] I'm going to class, like I do every Monday. Aren't you? Ucchan: [aback] Uh, um, class... yeah... well, I ain't feeling that hot. Ukyou: [frowning] You don't look sick... Ucchan: [weakly] Yeah, well, I'm kinda light-headed. And... [she snaps her fingers] My memory is off! See, I even forgot that you had classes on Monday. Oh, the humanity! Ukyou: [concerned] Maybe that hypnotist did something to you. [Ucchan/Makiko's stomach growls loudly.] Ucchan: [pathetically] And my stomach is making noises. [she blinks] Hey, my stomach is making noises! Why's it doing that? Is something wrong? Ukyou: You're probably just hungry. Ucchan: [snapping her fingers] Oh yeah... hunger... I have to eat! Ukyou: [standing] I'll go make us breakfast. Okonomiyaki fine with you? Ucchan: [grinning] Yeah, okonomiyaki's a real kick. Fry that soba, girlfriend! Ukyou: [staring at her] Yeah, I think that hypnotist really scrambled your brain. Ucchan: [in mock dismay] My fluffy-cuddly widdle mind, scrambled? Lawks. Ukyou: I'll, uh, go make breakfast. [She leaves. Ucchan grins maniacally, dances a jig, and starts peering around the room curiously.] Ucchan: Guns... where does she keep the guns... [she looks under Ukyou's pillow] Nope, not where I'd keep one... [She turns her attention to Makiko's untidy desk. Papers are piled across it, obscuring the computer's keyboard and anything else that might lie on it.] Ucchan: Boy, Maki-chan's a pig. Let's see what's under all the dead tree and squid spit... [She grabs a double handful of paper. As she does, her finger slides across the edge of one sheet, giving her a tiny papercut.] Ucchan: [grabbing her finger] AAAAAAAAAUGH, WHAT THE ^##%^%#%%# IS THAT?!? OOOOOOW! OWOWOW! Ukyou: [running into the room] What is it? What's wrong? Ucchan: AUUUGHHH! [she tearfully hold up her cut finger] It hurts! It hurts! Make it go away! WAH! Ukyou: [exasperated] It's just a little cut, you big baby! What is _wrong_ with you, Maki-chan? Ucchan: [sniffling] This nervous system thing really sucks, spatula girl. Why the hell can't a little red light just turn on and say, "Hey, buddy, you got cut!" Ukyou: [annoyed] Because we'd all look real silly with little red lights going on all the time. The band-aids are in the medicine cabinet. [She leaves. Ucchan gives the door the finger, and then, snarling, sits down at the keyboard.] Ucchan: [gritting her teeth] Get gun, wax unsympathetic hick, kill Akane, screw Ranma. Yes. And find a way to disable this 'pain' thing in Makiko's preferences file. [She whacks in a series of keystrokes, and waits expectantly for several seconds. Nothing happens.] Ucchan: [annoyed] Hey, where's my #*&@*ing gun? [She types another series of keystrokes and waits expectantly.] Ucchan: [more annoyed] He-LLO? There oughta be a CHAINsaw here by now. [She tries yet again, tapping a finger impatiently on the desk as she waits.] Ucchan: C'monc'monc'mon! I entered the cheat code, where's the damn tools-o-pain?! [She waits a few seconds more, then types another sequence of letters and waits. Nothing happens again.] Ucchan: Well poot, it plumb don't work. I ^^$&$#@&$#% HATE games with no easter eggs. Guess I'll hafta just do this by hand til I find a piece. Ukyou: [from the other room] Breakfast is ready! Ucchan: [muttering] Be still my heart. [louder, sweetly] Be there with bells on, Ukkie! * * * [The kitchen. Ukyou and Makiko [Ucchan] are sitting at the table. Ukyou is grilling her own okonomiyaki, while 'Makiko' pokes at her hers, looking puzzled.] Ucchan: [mumbling to herself] It ain't working... Ukyou: Makiko, what are you doing? Ucchan: [picks up an okonomiyaki, holding it in her hand] Trying to eat. Ukyou: [blinking] Um.... okaaaay. Ucchan: [mumbling to herself] It ain't disappearing, I'm touching it but it ain't disappearing. [Ukyou finishes grilling her okonomiyaki and sits at the table. Meanwhile, Ucchan continues poking her food.] Ukyou: [staring] Um, Makiko? Ucchan: Hey Kuonji, this thing's defective! Ukyou: [thinking] It's too early in the morning for this. [speaking] Just eat it, willya? Ucchan: [grumbling] I'm tryin' to, you Kansai hick. [Ukyou shrugs and proceeds to eat her own okonomiyaki. Ucchan stops and stares at her.] Ucchan: [mumbling] Oh, that's how it's done. [Grabs chopsticks and starts eating] Whoa! This is good! Ukyou: [blinks] Um... thanks. [Ucchan finishes her okonomiyaki at a breakneck speed, then holds her empty plate out to Ukyou.] Ucchan: More! Ukyou: Sorry, no time. Class, remember? Ucchan: [pouts] Oh, poot. * * * [Ukyou & Makiko's apartment, one hour later. Makiko is alone, in the kitchen, munching on pocky. The refrigerator door hangs open, revealing many half-opened packages. The table is filled with dirty dishes.] Ucchan: This eating thing, definitely good, yeppa, yessiree, never knew what I was missing though I keep on having a nagging feeling there's something I'm forgetting to do? [Ucchan crunches down another pocky stick, looking thoughtful. Suddenly she slaps her head.] Ucchan: Doh! Kill people! Right! [pauses] So where DO they keep the guns around here? [She looks blank for a moment, closing her eyes. A moment later, she opens here eyes again, frowning.] Ucchan: [angrily] They don't own guns! What kinda house is this?! [looking around the room] Okay, then, just gimmie something big and painfu- AH-HAH! [Ucchan rushes to the wall and clutches the handle of Ukyou's battle spatula.] Ucchan: It slices! It dices! It flips okonomiyaki! Kids, I think we've got ourselves a winner! [pulls at the spatula] Nnggg... kinda heavy there... [lifts it from its mantle and hefts it triumphantly over her head] HA! Now we're ready to hurt someo- [begins wobbling backwards] -whoa- [staggers backwards, but now starts wobbling forward] -whoawhoawhoaYEAAAAAGH!!! [*CRASH*] [Ucchan falls flat on her face, spatula still clutched in her hands.] Ucchan: OOOOOOW! PAIN! PAIN! HURT! PAIN! WAAAAAH! [She continues to whine and cry for a while, then eventually lapses into silence. After a while, she starts rapping her fingers on the floor, seeming to think things over.] Ucchan: Silly me! I forgot the rules of gravity! [She springs up suddenly, hefting the spatula with a little more ease this time, though it's clear she's having a hard time carrying it around. She straightens up, then starts wobbling to the door.] Ucchan: o/~ A killing we will go! A killing we will go! High-ho a merry-o, a killing we will gooooo! o/~ * * * [Outside the apartment complex, Ucchan opens the door and takes a deep breath. She is still clad in her pajamas and barefoot. She has yet to bother combing her hair, either. It is a sunny, clear afternoon, moderately warm, with a light breeze.] Ucchan: Aaaah, fresh air. Neat stuff, this whole breathing thing. Let's goooo killiiiiing! [Ucchan takes a confident step out the door, plants her foot on the concrete, and screams.] Ucchan: AAAAAAAAAGGH! HOT! HOTHOTHOT! HOT PAVEMENT! OOOOW! [Ucchan quickly steps back indoors, slamming the apartment door shut. A few minutes later she reappears, now wearing a pair of sneakers, and still in pajamas.] Ucchan: Let's try that again! [takes big step forward] Ha! No pain! Got it! Let's go! * * * [A few minutes later, deep in the heart of the university, Ucchan wobbles along, spatula hefted over shoulder, still in her pajamas and sneakers, hair still not fixed. Students stare and gawk at her as she wobbles by, though she seems blissfully unaware of it. As she passes by a vending machine, she tries to stop in her tracks. Instead, she wobbles forward a bit, then backtracks.] Ucchan: [staring at the vending machine] Hey, food! I haven't tried these yet! [She puts the spatula down, leaning it against the machine, then mashes the buttons.] Ucchan: C'mon, c'mon, gimmie! [She pounds at the buttons angrily.] Ucchan: *#%@! you then! Die! [She hefts the battle spatula above her head, rears it back...] Ucchan: Eat spatula, you stupiiwwhoooaaa! [She falls backwards, landing roughly on her bottom.] Ucchan: OW! PAIN! [Other students nearby stare at her and talk amongst themselves. A five-year-old boy pedals up on a tricycle, stopping at the edge of the crowd as Ucchan gets back up and lifts the spatula again.] Ucchan: Stupid gravity! Okay, THIS time I got it! [She lifts the spatula overhead, rears back, and swings it towards the plexiglass window of the vending machine. The five-year-old covers his eyes with his hands.] Ucchan: HAH! [The spatula zooms forward, hitting the plexiglass window, bouncing off of it, and sending Ucchan flying backwards again, landing roughly on her posterior on the ground.] Ucchan: OOOOOOOOWDAMNFUCKINGSTUPIDMACHINEOOOOOOOOW! [The five-year-old shakes his head and walks past Ucchan, who just lies on the ground frothing and swearing. He fumbles in his pocket, takes out a few quarters, puts them in the machine, and presses a button. The machine makes a Ka-CHUnk noise, and the boy pulls a wrapped package out of the vending slot.] Boy: [solemnly] That's how you do it, lady. Ucchan: [stopping her ranting] It is? Boy: [nodding] Uh-huh. Ucchan: You put in metal disks... money... and in return you get [she squints at the package] Ho-Hos? Boy: That's right. Ucchan: [beaming] Gosh. I think I've just discovered the mercantile economy system. Boy: [shaking his head] No, these are Ho-Hos. Ucchan: [snatching the package] Well, now they're mine! Boy: [looking stricken] Hey! You can't do that, lady! Ucchan: [taken aback] Huh? Why not? Boy: [indignantly] Cuz those are MY Ho-Hos! Ucchan: Possession is 9/10s of the Ho-Ho, kid. [She starts to walk off. The boy stares at her, then runs after her and tugs on her shirt.] Ucchan: [not turning] Unless you're here to offer me more Ho- Hos, I'm going to hurt you. Boy: [lower lip trembling] But stealing is wrong! And those cost almost half my allowance! Ucchan: [turning, a concerned look on her face] Hey, yeah? Boy: [eyes tearing up] Yes! Ucchan: [kindly] Aw, don't cry, kid. I changed my mind. Boy: [brightening] You have? Ucchan: [beaming] Yeah! Here ya go. [She hands the boy back the package. He happily takes it, and turns to go. Ucchan grins, grabs him by both legs, picks him up, turns him over, and starts shaking violently.] Boy: [terrified] HEY! STOPITSTOPITSTOPIT! Ucchan: [snarling] C'mon, where's the rest of the... [A cheap plastic wallet tumbles out of the boy's pocket. Ucchan drops the boy and pounces upon it with a cry.] Ucchan: [crowing] HA! Enough for two more goodies! Boy: [holding his forehead] WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! Ucchan: [cheerfully] I thought I told you not to cry? [she picks him out and sets him backwards on the tricycle] Just for that, I want my Ho-Ho's back. [She snatches the package from his hands yet again, and then gives the trike a vicious push down the hill. It rolls off, accelerating.] Boy: WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! Ucchan: [waving] Buh-bai! HOHOHO! [glances at the package with new respect] So THAT's why they call them Ho-Hos! [The crowd is beginning to mutter angrily. Ucchan glances at them, beams and flutters her eyelashes cutely, hefts the spatula and starts to walk off. An indignant student interposes herself.] Student: [irate] Well! You should be ashamed of yourself! Picking on a little child! I'm an education major, and let me tell you that- Ucchan: Education major? One sec, lemme look that up... [she spaces for a sec] No-talent losers who can't hack it in a real major, and so resign themselves to babysitting other people's snot-nosed munchkins? [kindly] I'm sorry. Is there anything I can do to help you? Student: [furious] Why you... you... you... you MOLESTOR! Ucchan: [shaking her head] Sorry, ain't got around to that yet. I'm starting with robbery, then I'm gonna tackle murder, and after I've got a handle on those I'll move on to rape. I'm kinda new at all this. Student: [red-faced] People like you should be locked up! Ucchan: [meekly] Oh,you're right! Drat! Curse my evil ways! [sobbing] I repent it all! Please don't tell that cop on me! [The other student eagerly turns to hail the police officer, then blinks when she doesn't see one. Ucchan rolls her eyes and kicks her in the groin.] Student: [falling down] AUUGGGHHH! Ucchan: OOOOOWOWOW! YER DAMN GROIN HURT MY FOOT, BITCH! YOU'LL PAY FOR THAT! [She slams the spatula handle into the student's stomach.] Student: [screaming] HELP! HELP! PSYCHO CHILD ABUSER! Ucchan: [eyes wide] Psycho? Psycho? Ohmigod, where? [screaming] HELP! PSYCHO ON THE LOOSE! POLICE! [She runs, giggling, and soon outdistances the screams. Tearing open the package with her teeth, she pulls out a Ho-Ho and begins to happily eat.] Ucchan: [cheerfully] Oh, this is so much fun! The pain thing sucks, I could use a gun, but aside from that I LOVE YOU, BRAVE NEW WORLD! [A french poodle, observing her from a porch, snarls.] Ucchan: [snarling back] Who asked you! Poodle: [growling, edging back] YARP! YARP! Ucchan: [growling, advancing] YARP! YARP! [The poodle runs out of porch to retreat on, snarls, and runs at her.] Ucchan: [backing up] Whoa... [The poodle nips viciously at her ankle.] Ucchan: [howling in pain] AAAAAAAAAIIIIIIYIIIEEE! FUUUUUUUUUUCK! FUCK! OOOOOOOOOW! LITTLE BASTARD! DIE! [Enraged, she bashes the poodle with the spatula until it stops moving.] Ucchan: [picking up the limp poodle] C'mon, you little punk! Let's go! You and me! [The poodle, being battered to a pulp, doesn't respond. Ucchan shrugs, tucks it under one arms, and strolls on. After several minutes, she stops in front of Maison Sabaku.] Ucchan: [squinting] So this is where Ranchan and Akane live... and that's... [She freezes, then ducks behind a car. Akane is walking up to the porch, unaware of her presence.] Ucchan: [through gritted teeth] ...the sexless tomboy bitch who stole my Ranchan. [Akane enters the apartment building, and Ucchan stands up.] Ucchan: [smiling] You're dead, Akane. Soon as I get my sea legs, grab a decent piece, and take care of my goody-goody namesake you are HISTORY, you hear? I'm gonna kill you deader than hula hoops. [She stops, an idea striking her, and walks over to pick up a baseball bat lying abandoned in the yard.] Ucchan: [spinning the bat onehanded] DiMaggio steps up to the plate! Akane steps up to the door! He winds up... she enters the apartment... [The curtains are pulled back from the window.] Ucchan: The pitch! [She tosses the poodle in the air, squints, and swings. With a thump, the dog zooms through the air and crashes through the window. Akane, somewhere in the apartment, shrieks!] Ucchan: [gleefully] Joltin' Joe does it again! [She runs like hell.] * * * [Ukyou and Makiko's apartment, evening. Ukyou is at her desk talking on the phone; Makiko/Ucchan is lying on her bed, an ill expression on her face.] Ukyou: [to phone, shocked] Oh my god, you're kidding! [The phone makes hysterical noises.] Ukyou: [sympathetically] I can imagine! Are you okay? [The phone makes an affirmative noise.] Ukyou: Good, good... is Ranchan home yet? If he isn't, I can come over if you want... he is? Oh, good. Don't you worry, hon, it was probably just some drunk frat types or something... [The phone bawls. Ukyou looks sympathetic and pained.] Ukyou: I know, the poor little doggie! And poor Mrs. Sagawa! Are you sure you're okay? All right... okay, bye. [Ukyou puts down the phone and turns to 'Makiko'.] Ukyou: [wide-eyed] Maki-chan, that was Akane. Someone threw a dead dog through her window, just as she opened the curtains! Ucchan: Golly. Was the bitch hurt? Ukyou: [shocked] Maki-chan?! Ucchan: [frowning] Oh, wait, you said it was dead. Guess so, then. What a tragic tragedy. Ukyou: [relaxing somewhat] Yeah... it belonged to a poor old lady. Akane was almost in hysterics. Ucchan: Our Akane? The woman with nerves of high-grade tin? Ukyou: Well, Akane has a soft spot for animals. Besides, wouldn't it freak you out to have a dead dog thrown into your lap? Ucchan: [scratching her head] Not as much as having a live one thrown into my lap would. I say Mallet Girl got off pretty easy, considering. Ukyou: [staring at her] Are you okay, Makiko? You've been acting weird all day. Ucchan: [grumpily] My stomach hurts. Ukyou: With all the junk you've eaten today? I'm not surprised. [voice softens] C'mon, Maki-chan. What's wrong? [Silence. Ucchan stares at Ukyou for a second, her eyes narrowing to hard slits.] Ucchan: [quietly] Didya ever get sick of it all, Kuonji? Just sitting back and taking it? From Ranma, from Akane, from Ranma's dad, from the whole damn world? Didn't you ever want to say hell with it and just hit back? Ukyou: [taken aback] Well, yeah... I did. A lot more than I should have, probably. [she looks sad] I'm just lucky I didn't really hurt anyone. I came close... [Ucchan stands, stalks over to Ukyou, and leans over her, staring her in the eyes.] Ucchan: [intensely] Why didn't you? Ukyou: [staring back] I guess, deep down, I knew it was wrong. Ucchan: [snarling] You knew it was [her voice pitches high] wrong! Oh, we can't possibly do anything bad! [her voice turns contemptuous] Those bombs you tossed couldn't have hurt a baby, could they? You were just making some noise to celebrate the joyous occasion... Ukyou: [flustered, stiffly] No, I- Ucchan: You didn't want to so much as muss Akane's dress! You were just putting on an act... Ukyou: [standing, shouting] No, I WASN'T! I wanted to hurt her! I wanted to blow the little bitch up! Okay? Are you happy? I WANTED TO HURT AKANE! [The two stare at each other for a second, Ukyou's face flushed and angry, Ucchan's guarded and shifty.] Ukyou: [angry whisper] Maki-chan, what the hell is wrong with you? Ucchan: [slowly] I've looked through the bright mirror, and I despise what I see. I am better than this. I deserve more. I deserve it all, and I _will_ take it. Ukyou: [nervous, concerned] Maki-chan? Ucchan: [slumping] I'm... I'm sorry, Ukyou. I had some bad news from home, and I haven't been feeling that well. I didn't mean to get all psycho on you like that. Could ya maybe drive me to the doctor tomorrow? I think I've got a touch of something. Ukyou: [sympathetically] Sure, Maki-chan. Do you want me to turn out the light so you can get some sleep?" Ucchan: [smiling] Yeah, make it dark. [Ukyou goes and switches off the light. Ucchan strolls over to her bed, climbs in, and pulls up the covers.] Ukyou: [sitting at her desk and turning a small reading lamp on] I'm gonna study for a bit, and then I'm coming to bed too. Night. Ucchan: You're too nice for your own good, Ukyou. Ukyou: [chuckling] Hardly. Sleep well. Ucchan: You too, roomie. We've got a busy day tomorrow. [After a hour, Ukyou turns off the lamp, changes, and climbs into bed. Soon her breathing moves into the slow, shallow patterns of sleep.] Ucchan: [whispering] Gotcha. * * * [Morning. The sun streams in upon Ukyou's bed, revealing a highly unusual sight. Ukyou, in her undergarments, is lying spread-eagled on the covers, her arms and legs handcuffed to the bed. A purple bruise can be seen on one side of her forehead, partly covered by her hair. Snuggled up next to her side is a sleeping figure entirely covered by a blanket.] Ukyou: [groaning, eyes flickering] uuuuuuuuh.... augh... ooooh, my head... [her eyes close] Did I get drunk? I don't remember getting drunk... [She starts to get up, and stops as the handcuffs hold her back. Her eyes shoot open.] Ukyou: [incredulously] What the..! Handcuffs? What the hell am I doing handcuffed to my own damn bed!? [The blanket next to her begins to rustle. Slowly, reluctantly, Ukyou turns to look at it.] Ukyou: [faintly] Hello? [The blanket falls away as Makiko sits up, naked as a jaybird.] Ucchan: [purring] Was it good for you too? Ukyou: [appalled] ... Ucchan: [smirking] Was that a yes? Ukyou: [looking nauseous] We didn't! Ucchan: We did! Ukyou: [panicked] We couldn't! Ucchan: [gleefully] We could! Ukyou: [horrified] Damn it, Makiko, you told me you weren't a lesbian! Ucchan: And you told me you wouldn't orgasm if I did that thing with the feathers and bubblegum! Ukyou: [furious] I NEVER TOLD YOU THAT! Ucchan: [frowning] That's right, you didn't. My mistake. Sorry. Ukyou: [aghast] Oh my God, I lost my virginity to my stupid computer-geek roommate! Ucchan: But you had fun doing it, admit it! Ukyou: [beyond furious] Admit it? ADMIT IT? I don't even REMEMBER it! And why the HELL AM I HANDCUFFED TO MY BED? Ucchan: [snickering] Okay, okay. I was joking. We didn't really do it. Ukyou: [brightening] We didn't? Really? Ucchan: [solemnly] We sure didn't. C'mon, you think I'd lay YOU? Give me some credit. Ukyou: [relieved] Thank God. Whew. Gah. [she blinks] Maki-chan, why am I handcuffed to my bed? And why are you in my bed, for that matter? Ucchan: [chuckling] The truth? You sure? Ukyou: [getting irritated] Well, it can hardly be worse than you telling me that I had sex with you. Ucchan: Okay. The truth. That bit of fun with the quack hypnotist put Maki-chan's cute little mind into a passive, open state, which allowed good ol' Ucchan - yours truly - to escape the hindbrain and take over her sexy bod! I've been in control ever since yesterday morning! Now I've got you chained up in your underoos! And in a few minutes I'm gonna go kill Akane! And then I'm gonna come back and kill you! Ukyou: ... Ucchan: [conversationally] Still sure having sex with cuddly ol' Maki-chan would have been worse? Ukyou: [in shock] Lemme think that one over. Ucchan: [standing up] Oh, this is gonna be such FUN, roomie! You and me, sharing an apartment, just two crazy chicks with serious spatula fetishes... it's just like 'Three's Company'! Ukyou: Uh, yeah... yeah, this will be fun. You know, I bet if you'd just unchain me we could have even more fun together, too. Ucchan: [eagerly] You think? Ukyou: [enthusiastically] Yeah! Ucchan: You'd be my extra-special friend? Ukyou: In a heartbeat! Ucchan: [wide-eyed] You'd help me chop up Akane and feed her to the cat? Ukyou: [cheerfully] Love cats, hate Akane. Hate hate hate. Sure thing, roomie! Ucchan: [wiping at her eyes] I'm... I'm touched, Kuonji. I am. Ukyou: [friendly voice] Aw, it's nothing. Ucchan: [shaking her head] No no... I'm really touched that you would put on such a lousy act just for the benefit of little old me. [Without warning, she slaps Ukyou across the face.] Ucchan: [snarling] Do you really think I'm that stupid, you pancake-obsessed hick? I am psychotic, crazy, round the bend, deviant, perverted, delusional, schizo, one taco short of a combination plate, insane in the membrane, but I am [she punches Ukyou in the face] NOT [she punches her again] STUPID. [a final punch] Owww, your face is hard.... Ukyou: [nose bleeding slightly, wincing] Cry me a river, you wacko. Ucchan: [annoyed] You know, I bet you don't like this 'pain' thing any more than I do. Watch your mouth, or I'll rinse it out with drain cleaner. Ukyou: [desperately] Look, what is it you want, anyway? Ucchan: What do I want? What everybody wants! Life, liberty, and the pursuit of that tomboy you always wanted to kill! Ukyou: [blinking] You! You were the one who threw the dog at Akane! Ucchan: [bad upper-class british accent] By Jove, Holmes, what a brilliant deduction! How do you do it? Ukyou: [confused] What have you got against Akane? I could understand you being mad at me, but Akane had nothing to do with the VR- Ucchan: [snarling] She stole my Ranchan, you stupid stove monkey! Just for that I'm gonna make her death ten times as fun-filled as yours. Ukyou: [mad] You never even met Ranchan, you wacko, and if you had he would have hated you! Akane didn't steal anyone! Ucchan: [slamming her fist against the dresser] She did! It's not fair, Kuonji! You had the chance for both of us, and you screwed up and let her take him! Well, now it's my turn... I'm the real Ucchan! Me! Ukyou: [evenly] You're the real fruitcake, you mean. Ucchan: [giggling] Yeah, but I'm such a lovable fruitcake. [standing, she waltzes an invisible partner across the room to Ukyou's closet, where she roots among the clothes for a bit] Hey, Kansai Kate, where's my boy's uniform? Ukyou: [sourly] I don't have it anymore. Ucchan: [pouting] Well, poot. Let's see what else you got... [After rummaging around, she emerges wearing Ukyou's purple hose, a red T-shirt, and Ukyou's bandoleer.] Ucchan: [beaming] Ta-da! Ukyou: [unimpressed] You look like a freak. Ucchan: [shrugging] Truth in advertising, my dim yet unattractive roomie. Anyway, have fun. I'm off to kill Akane. Ukyou: [defiantly] You'll never get away with this! Ucchan: You'd better hope I do. Ukyou: [blinking] Why? Ucchan: Because otherwise you get to explain to the custodial staff why you're handcuffed half-naked to your bed. Ta ta! [She skips out of the bedroom. A few minutes later, Ukyou hears the apartment door open, shut, and lock.] Ukyou: [glumly] Damn it- [Suddenly, the door unlocks again, then opens. Ucchan marches in, whistling as she goes to Makiko's wardrobe.] Ucchan: Silly me! I forgot something! [Ucchan grabs two bras. She walks over to Ukyou and punches her in the stomach. Ukyou gasps for air, but when she does, Ucchan stuffs a bra in her mouth, then ties the other bra around her head, securing the first one in place.] Ucchan: [wagging a finger] Mustn't scream for help now, that just wouldn't do. Ciao! [Ucchan skips out of the room yet again. After a short while, Ukyou hears the door close, then lock.] Ukyou: [glumly thinks to herself] Damn it, she's right, too. [she squirms, testing the cuffs] Megami, if you're listening, I could use some divine intervention right now... [She pauses hopefully. Nothing happens.] Ukyou: [thinking] This just isn't my day. Hope Akane isn't as gullible as I was... [She shudders, the danger sinking in, and begins to struggle against the cuffs.] * * * [Open to Maison Sabaku, front doorway. Ucchan/Makiko walks a little awkwardly through it, struggling just a little with the weight from the battle spatula slung over her shoulder. She whistles a merry tune as she looks around.] Ucchan: [singing] Hell-looo? Any-body hooooome? [pauses, looks around] Gosh, no witnesses. Lucky! Now where does Ranchan live? [closes her eyes for a moment, then opens them again] Ah, right, second floor, room four. Hey, that rhymes! [She bounds up the stairs, singing an odd sort of cha-cha.] Ucchan: o/~ Second floor - room four! Second floor - room four! ba-dada-dada da-DA! ba-dada-dada da-DA! o/~ [She cha-chas up the stairs, not really looking where she is going, until she runs face-first into someone] Ucchan: [bouncing back] Ow! Hey, watch it! Sato: [raising an eyebrow] Are you okay, Kawamura-san? Ucchan: [recovering quickly] Yeah, fine, dandy! Hey, is Ranma or Akane in? [she walks all the way up the stairs, Sato walks by her side] Sato: [still gazing at her oddly] I believe they are out for classes. Ucchan: Really? Aww. [noticing his gaze] Hey, something wrong? I got split ends? Dandruff? Nasal hair? Sato: [tilting his head] I think... there is an evil spirit possessing you. [Sato steps towards Ucchan, she steps back] Ucchan: Hey, don't get fresh with me! Sato: I do not intend to 'get fresh' with you. I merely wish to check upon your well-being. [A shadow emerges from behind Sato, like a snake. Ucchan stares at it with wide eyes. It eventually forms the shape of the upper torso of a man, with its lower half trailing away from somewhere behind Sato.] Ucchan: Hey, there's a shadow coming out of your ass! Shadow: [waves] Hi there! Sato: [turns to face the shadow] Yutaga, now is not a good time to- Yutaga: What, I can't be sociable too? Sato: [sighs] Very well. Makiko, this is Yutaga. Yutaga, Makiko. Yutaga: [waves] Hi there! Ucchan: [smiles and waves a bit too enthusiastically] Hi there! Yutaga: Hey, I like her. She's wacky. Ucchan: So, you always come out of this guy's rear? Yutaga: [shrugs] Only to embarrass him. Ucchan: Cool! Hitomi: [from outside] Sato-san? Are you there? Yutaga: [stage-whispering to Ucchan] He's got a crush on that girl. Sato: [rolling eyes] Ignore the shadow. [goes quickly to window] Hitomi-san, do you need assistance? Ucchan: [thinking] Ah-hah, an opening. [As Sato leans out of the window to talk to Hitomi, Ucchan charges at Sato at full speed.] Yutaga: [rubs chin] Uh oh. Sato: [absently] Did you say something, Yuta- [Ucchan slams into Sato's back, sending Sato flying out of the window. Ucchan quickly ducks away from the window to avoid being seen. The sound of Sato hitting the ground can be heard, as well as Hitomi's cry of shock.] Hitomi: [from outside] Sato-san! Sato-san! Yutaga: [from outside] Oh my. Seems knocked out, better drag him inside. Ucchan: [walking away from window, shrugging] Talking shadows coming from people's butts... [grins] hey, cool, I'm psycho AND delusional! Whee! Funfunfun! Now if only I can find Ranma to have some wild and delusional nookie, followed by.... hmm? [She stops, hearing footsteps echo on the stairs. Ranma clumps up to the hall, and starts to walk towards his room.] Ucchan: [beaming] Ranchan! Speak of the devil! [she glomps him] Buddy! Amigo! Lover! Ranma: [startled] Makiko? Uh, hi... [he blinks] Hey, ain't those Ukyou's tights? Ucchan: [happily, tightening her grip] Uh-huh! Ukyou ripped all my clothes in a mad fit of passion, so I'm using her old rags. Kinky, huh? Ranma: [wide-eyed] She what? I mean, she did? I mean... Ucchan: [throatily] I can take em off if you don't like them... Ranma: [frantically] No! Nonono! I mean, they look fine! Ucchan: [pouting] Aw. You've gotta come by our place some night, Ranchan. Ukyou-sama and I wanna share you. Ranma: [sweating] Sama? SHARE? Look, Makiko... Ucchan: [enthusiastically] It'll be fun! Ukyou's got this great collection of electric toys, and there's this neat thing she does with a garden hose and a tub of lime jello... Ranma: [frantically] Makiko, I'm a married man! And I don't- Ucchan: So bring the tomboy with you! Ukyou still raves about how they used to 'practice' on each other, so it's not like it'll be anything new. Ranma: [squawking] N-NANI? Ucchan: [pouting] Yeah, it made me jealous too. Ukyou says I'm gentler, but Akane had more endurance, and was better at the thing with the cucumbers. Ranma: [eyes bulging] Nani... cucumbers... Akane... Ucchan... nani? Ucchan: So, you two free Tuesday night? We can start practicing right now... [She starts to undo his belt. Ranma yelps, tears free, and runs for his apartment door.] Ucchan: [disappointed] So are we on for Tuesday? Ranma: [hysterical] I'm, uh, havin' my kidneys out Tuesday... sorry... cucumbers? [The door slams and locks.] Ucchan: [annoyed] Poot. Oh well, should be easier after Akane's pushing up daisies. [she grins] Speaking of Akane, let's check Maki-chan's fuzzy widdle cerebellum... [she spaces for a second, then snaps her fingers] Ah-HA! Akane's in the theatre around this time, at rehearsal! Funny places, theatres... ghosts and phantoms and inexplicable fatal accidents... [she convulses with muffled laughter] Alas, poor Akane, I knew her well! The play's the thing to catch the jugular of the tramp! [Laughing gleefully, she dashes down the stairs.] * * * [The university theatre. Ucchan, still in tights and cherry-red T-shirt, sneaks into the empty lobby.] Ucchan: [looking around] Well, here we are, but I don't see jack... [a piece of paper tacked to a wall catches her eye, and she walks over to examine it] Hello... "Rehearsal for 'The Pirates of Penzance' will meet in the main theatre for stage practice." - bingo! [Grinning ear to ear, she opens a side door and starts to aimlessly wander, looking for the stage. Finally, she open a door and finds herself in the prop and costume room.] Ucchan: [eyes lighting up] Ooooo! STUFF! [She runs over to the clothing rack and begins rooting through it. After five minutes, half of the costumes lie scattered about the room and Ucchan is wearing a tricorn hat with a huge peacock feather, a white 'Phantom of the Opera' mask, an 18th- century highwayman's coat, and a codpiece.] Ucchan: [admiring herself in a mirror] Yeah! Lookin' sharp! Dressed to kill! I AM the in thang! Woo! [She dashes over to the prop rack.] Ucchan: [gleeful] Swords! Axes! Daggers! Guns! I love it! [pauses] Boy, I never knew actors were so well armed. Oh well! [She buckles on a swordbelt, sticks a rapier and three pistols into it, then picks a selection of daggers.] Ucchan: Yeah! Packin' sword! [she glances at the combat spatula] Y'know, I like you, but yer just too damn fatty-ass HEAVY. Stupid laws of gravity! [she props it up in a corner] Wait here. [Whistling cheerfully, she exits the prop room through a side door and emerges into a backstage area. From forward comes the sound of singing and an orchestra.] Ucchan: [scowling] Aw, there's lots of them pansy actors out there! Witnesses! No fair! [She glances sullenly around, and spots the stairs up to the catwalks.] Ucchan: [beaming] Idea! Vicious idea! [She charges up the stairs, clambers onto the catwalk, and makes her way out over the stage. Below, the music swells and stops. A group of people are clustered on the stage, half of the dressed as Victorian English policemen, the others clad in white sundresses. A man in normal clothing is addressing them.] Man: Okay, that was pretty good, but I think we can all use one more try. Akane, could you pitch your voice a _bit_ lower on that last chorus? Akane: [dressed as a policeman] I'll try... it's a bit tricky changing pitch so suddenly. Ucchan: [staring] Akane the pig? Man: [clapping his hands] Okay, one more time! [An orchestra offstage strikes up, and the policemen and maidens quickly take their places. Ucchan's eyebrows raise.] Man: [stage voice] Dear sir, they come! Akane: [singing, deep voice] When the foeman bares his steel, Policemen: Tarem-tarah! Tarem-tarah! Akane: [singing] We uncomfortable feel... Ucchan: [drawing her rapier with a flourish] With good reason... [her eyes light on a sandbag hanging over Akane's head] Aha! Akane: [singing] And we find the wisest thing Is to slap our chests and sing! [Ucchan leans out over the catwalk and slashes the sandbag's rope.] Akane [singing] For when threatened with the meutes... [She takes a step forward. The sandbag crashes through the stage where she had been standing.] Akane: [not noticing, caught up in the song] And your heart is in your boots! Ucchan: Damn! Policemen: [nervously, staring at the hole in the stage] Tarem-tarah. Akane: There is nothing brings it round Like the trumpet's martial sound! Like the trumpet's martial sound! [Ucchan snarls, then snaps her fingers, spotting the huge ship's anchor lashed to the wall. She hurries over and begins to saw at it.] Lead Maid: [singing] Go, ye heroes, go to glory, Though you die in combat gory, Ye shall live in song and story. Go to immortality! Ucchan: [severing the rope] Please, please! [The anchor, still attached to its chain, begins to break free.] Lead Maid: [singing] Go to death, and go to slaughter! Ucchan: [nodding] Death! Slaughter! Lead Maid: [singing] Die, and every Cornish daughter With her tears your grave shall water. Go, ye heroes, go and die! Ucchan and the Maids: [singing] Go, ye heroes, go and die! Go, ye heroes, go and die! [The anchor breaks loose and swings across the stage, coming nowhere near Akane. The maids' song ends abruptly as they yelp and leap out of the way. For a second, the entire cast just stares at it. Then Akane nudges the policemen next to her.] Akane: [eyeing the anchor nervously, singing] Though to us it's evident, These attentions are well meant, Policemen: [wide-eyed, shaking] Tarem-tarah. Ucchan: No, they are NOT well meant! Akane: [a bit more normally, singing] Such expressions don't appear, Calculated men to cheer Who are going to meet their fate In a highly nervous state. Policemen: [with feeling] Tarem-tarem-ta-rem-ta-rah! Ucchan: [snarling] Your fate is to be splattered all over that stage, wench... [she spots a large, heavy, model pirate ship hanging directly over Akane] Arr har har! Avast! Lead Maid: [singing] Go and do your best endeavour, And before all links we sever, [Ucchan slashes away a rope. The ship lists alarmingly.] Lead Maid: [singing] We will say farewell for-ever. Go to glory and the grave! Ucchan: [slashing the last rope, singing] Go to glory and the grave! [The ship plunges downward. At the last second, Akane senses its fall and flings herself to the side. The ship smashes to pieces, making a second large hole in the stage.] Everyone: [staring at the hole] ... Ucchan: Oh, drat. Akane: [pale, staring at the hole, singing nervously] We observe too great a stress, On the risks that on us press, And of reference a lack To our chance of coming back. Ucchan: [scowling, singing] After my next attack, You sure won't be coming back. Akane: [examining the hole, singing] Still, perhaps it would be wise Not to carp or criticize, For it's very evident These attentions are well meant. Policemen: [faintly and dubiously] Yes, it's very evident These attentions are well meant, Evident, yes, well meant, evident Ah, yes, well meant! Ucchan: [snorting] Well meant! [She starts hacking randomly at ropes.] Man: [stage voice] Away, away! Policemen: [eagerly] Yes, yes, we go! Man: [stage voice] These pirates slay! Ucchan: [cutting ropes wildly] Akane slay! [A sandbag crashes through the stage.] Policemen: [dashing to cover] Yes, yes, we go! Akane: [scowling] No, but you don't go! Man: [hissing] Not yet, Akane! [stage voice] Then do not stay! [Another sandbag and a piece of scenery crash to the stage.] Policemen: [scrambling off stage] Tarem-tarah! Man: [stage voice] Then why this delay? Ucchan: [singing] Akane'll pay! [Two more sandbags narrowly miss Akane, who stands alone on the stage glaring balefully at the other policemen.] Policemen: [getting as far away from the stage as possible] Yes, yes, all right, we go! Akane: [mad] Yes, but you don't go! Policemen: [fervently] We go, we go! Maids: [singing] Yes, forward on the foe! Ucchan: [singing] Yes, forward on the foe! [Akane squawks and dives off the stage just as a mockup of Big Ben smashes into the stage.] Policemen: [pleadingly] We go, we go? Akane: [faintly, staring at the huge tower where she had been standing] Yes, forward on the foe. Policemen and Maids: [backing away in relief] At last they go! At last they really really go! [The music swells and ends.] Ucchan: [swearing] Damn, this opera stuff is harder than it looks! You ain't getting away that easy, copper! [Grabbing a rope, she swings down at Akane like a piratical Tarzan, rapier drawn.] Ucchan: [swiping] Avast! Har HAR! Akane: [parrying with her policeman's billyclub] Hey! This isn't in the script! Did the director change things again? Lead Maid: [screaming] It's the PHANTOM! The PHANTOM OF THE PLAYHOUSE! Akane: [ducking a rapier swipe] But the theatre is only two months old! Lead Maid: [oblivious] He hides in the cellars underneath the theatre! Akane: [parrying] This theatre doesn't HAVE any cellars! Ucchan: [slashing] Yes! I am the phantom, here to rid this theatre of ugly flatchested policemen! Akane: [irate] WHAT? KILL THE PHANTOM! [She begins swinging the club in earnest. Ucchan yelps and backpedals, flailing at her with the rapier.] Ucchan: [thinking] Augh, Maki-chan's only taken a stage- fighting course! I don't know how to hurt people with this thing! Stupid computer-geek romantic wimp! [aloud] I shall return! [she flees] Akane: [pursuing] AFTER THE BAKA PHANTOM, GUYS! Policemen: [pursuing] TAREM-TARAH! * * * [Students walk along at the heart of the campus, talking to each other, or thumbing through books, or just minding their own business. Sudden chaos breaks out as Ucchan, still in her disguise, races across the campus frantically.] Ucchan: Moveitmoveitmoveit! Outtatheway! [She tries to shove her way through the crowds, but instead bounces around embarrassingly. Still, it gets her through. The crowd mumbles to themselves, then scream in panic as a horde of Victorian policemen led by Akane storm into them, police whistles tweeting.] Akane: MOVE IT! OUTTA THE WAY! STOP THAT MASKED JERK! [Akane and her mob crash into the daytime crowd like a freight train, billyclubs waving, scattering people everywhere. Some people collide violently, while others fumble over each other. A handful still manage to stay in pursuit, Akane still at the lead. One of the students gets up slowly, rubbing a sore spot on his back, as he watches the chaos travel away from him.] Misc. Student: Oh, it's gonna be one of _those_ days. Sato: [suddenly appearing behind him] Excuse me. Misc. Student: [jumps back, startled] Yaaah! Where'd you come from?! Sato: Have you seen this girl lately? [He holds up a photograph of Makiko] Misc. Student: Um, no, not really. Sato: Ah. I see. Thank you. [The student stares as Sato departs, and gets another shock when a shadow emerges from... somewhere behind Sato... and blows a raspberry at him. Meanwhile, a short distance away, a puffing Ucchan dives around a corner and pulls one of the daggers from her belt.] Ucchan: [gleefully] Is this a dagger I see before me? Why, so it is! [Akane, some yards ahead of the rest of her theatrical constabulary, rounds the corner.] Ucchan: [springing at her] Sic semper tomboyis! [She thrusts the dagger into Akane's chest. Blood spurts everywhere, and Akane stumbles back, a puzzled look on her face.] Ucchan: [gleefully] HaHAH! Take that, copper! Akane: [staring at her] Do you expect me to act hurt or something? [She advances, looking unhurt except for the huge red stain on her blue uniform. Ucchan blinks and backpedals.] Ucchan: [alarmed] Hey... hey, you're still standing! You can't do that! Akane: [advancing, twirling club menacingly] And why not? Ucchan: [indignant] I just stabbed you through the heart with this [she examines her weapon] this... collapsible... blood- filled... stage dagger... [sickly grin] Aheh. Heh. Heh. Oh shit. [She runs. Akane follows, with the policemen catching up seconds later.] Ucchan: [frantically] Stupidtrampcopper*pant*OUTTA MY WAY! [She barrels up the steps of the law building, Hajime Hall, with Akane's club-waving, whistle-blowing horde hot on her heels. Desperate, she dashes into the building and throws open the first set of doors she comes to. Behind them is a large, curtain-lined lecture auditorium. Several of the hundreds of students present turn to look at her.] Professor: [at the front lectern, not noticing] And so schismatic groups presented a sizable stability problem to Meiji Japan, particularly in areas where law enforcement was not properly equipped to deal with such thorny legal issues. It was also a problem in tax law, as... Ucchan: [spotting the door at the other side of the lecture hall] Bingo, escape! [She grabs one of the hanging curtain ropes, tests its weight, and then charges forward just as Akane and company dash into the room. With a yodeling whoop, she swings across the room on the rope.] Ucchan: [flourishing rapier] Avast, ye lawyer dogs! Outta me way! Professor: [gaping] It's... it's the PHANTOM! The PHANTOM OF THE LAW SCHOOL! Akane: [waving club, blowing frantically on her whistle] ARREST THAT PHANTOM! [She and her mob charge through the hall of students as pandemonium breaks out. Students stand, yell, scream, and dash about madly, forcing the theatre horde to use their clubs to stay on their feet, much less make progress. Ucchan lands at the other end of the room and gives a mock salute with her rapier.] Ucchan: [menacingly] Remember, kids, policemen are your friends - but only if they aren't violent, gorrila-like tomboys! Adieu! [She dashes out. Akane and her horde fight their way after her.] Professor: [shakily] Class dismissed. TAs, please pick up torches and pitchforks from the Divinity Studies department and make preparations for a field trip to the tunnels. * * * [Elsewhere on campus, Ucchan, still in costume, ducks into a narrow walkway between campus buildings, breathing deeply. She stops, leans on a wall, and gasps for air.] Ucchan: Stupid *wheeze* Makiko *wheeze* can't *wheeze* run a *gasp* damn block *gasp* without getting *gasp* tired. Whoops! [She flattens herself against the wall as Akane and her troops run past] Dammit, I need a place to hide. [puts hand on chin] Now where can a cute lil psychopath run and hide to on a college campus in relative safety? [She looks around. From somewhere nearby, bells rang deeply. Ucchan looks up and frowns.] Ucchan: One o'clock already? My, how time flies. [She sighs, slinks down the walkway, then suddenly stands up straight and pounds her fist in her palm. She grins maniacally.] Ucchan: A-HA! THE CLOCK TOWER! * * * [Open on the clock tower, a tall but narrow structure made of brick and wood. The interior is a single stairway going from the bottom to the top, about six floors high. At the top, a myriad of gears spin and tick as the clock marks away the passing seconds. at the fourth level of the tower, Ucchan sits, the stage props now removed and in a pile next to her.] Ucchan: [peering out the window] Aaah, what a view. Look at all the little people down belooooow. I- uh oh. [ducks under windowsill] That freaky Sato guy... what's he doing here? [Down below, in front of the clock tower, sitting down on a bench, Sato sits. Behind him, Yutaga the shadow emerges and sulks on the grass.] Ucchan: That guy's becoming a pest... gotta do something about him.... ah-hah. [She looks around the floor, then smiles] Hey, there's always a loose brick around when you need one! Ain't it cool? [Ucchan peers out the window, only to see Yutaga peering back up at her. The shadow looks at her, then at Sato, then back at her.] Yutaga: Say, Sato, what would the odds be of having someone fling a brick at your head? Sato: [blinks] Hm? Why do you ask? Yutaga: Well, there's this- [*THWACK*] Ucchan: [grinning] Suddenly, I feel better. Oh, now where was I? Oh. Aaaah, what a view. Look at all the little people down beloooow. Why I could just stay here all day and pick them off with my gun... [She frowns, tapping the windowsill for a moment.] Ucchan: Gun! I still have no gun! AAAAGH! Where the hell do you buy stuff around here?! [closes eyes] Let's see if Makiko's has any... oh ho. [She runs down the stairs, past Sato, then comes to a skidding halt. She looks down at Sato, contemplating something. The shadow looks at Ucchan curiously, but says nothing. Ucchan strolls back into the clock tower, then comes out with the codpieces, swordbelt, highwayman's coat, tricorn feathered hat, and mask. She puts the mask on Satos' face, lays the hat on his head, drops the other pieces around him, props him upright against the bench, then sighs happily. Yutaga looks at her curiously.] Ucchan: [smiling cutely] Trust me. HEY! THE PHANTOM'S OVER HERE! OVER HERE! [She quickly runs off. Moments later, Akane and the theatre brigade arrive.] Yutaga: [nervously] Say, I wonder, if they beat him up, do I get beaten up too? Akane: There he is! GET HIM! Yutaga: Oh my. [The Sato abuse begins.] * * * [Open on the campus grocery store, quiet today except for the clerk sitting behind the counter. The store is a small place, about twice the size of a dorm bedroom. The clerk, an average looking boy, is idly reading a magazine, when suddenly Ucchan bursts through the door, looking as if she'd run a marathon.] Ucchan: [glares around the store slowly] Where... where is it... where's the f*#&%*in'... Clerk: Um, looking for something, miss? Ucchan: [raises an eyebrow, then grabs the clerk by the collar and smiles merrily] Hi there! Could you be a dear and tell me where the guns are? [she bats her eyelashes cutely] Clerk: [nervously] Um, er, guns? Ucchan: [nodding happily] Uh-huh! Guns! The bigger the better! I don't know about you, but I'm of the opinion that size does matter [gives a sly grin] though what you do with it is also important. Know what I mean? Clerk: [blinking and blushing] er, I, um, well, er- Ucchan: [moves her face even closer to his] So c'mon, gimmie some hot steel barrels-o-fun. Clerk: I-er-um- Ucchan: [suddenly shaking his collar] GIVE ME GUNS, DAMMIT! Clerk: B-but we don't sell guns. Ucchan: [calms down immediately, blinks, stares at clerk] You what? Clerk: We, um, don't sell guns. Ucchan: How about swords? Clerk: Er... we've got a letter opener. Ucchan: [frowning] Can you tell me [grits her teeth] WHERE [ungrits her teeth] I can get me some blazing barrels-o-fun? Clerk: Um... Taiwan? Ucchan: [muttering to herself] Great, what am I supposed to use, harsh language? Clerk: W-what? Ucchan: [suddenly letting go of his collar] No guns, huh? How'bout burritos? ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ to be continued. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ I've seen wonders As I move through time More power and magic Than I thought would be mine Looking back at yesterdays Things we used to know A wasted chance and lonely days Time moves on, people come and go Is it my destiny How am I to know? Waiting for a miracle while Searching my soul A second chance A dream come true I'll learn to love again When I stand by you So I'm on my way The journey's just begun I'm gonna keep all the memories But never forget the one ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Written by Mike Loader, RpM, David Tai, Paul Gallegos, Jeff Hosmer and John Walter Biles Artwork by Alexandra Teixeira Special Thanks to Tucson Animation Screening Society (TASS) and of course Rumiko Takahashi Copyright (c) 1999 Digital Knight Communications. "Ranma 1/2" and its characters are Copyright (c) 1999 Viz Communications, Inc., Shogakukan, Kitty Animation, and Rumiko Takahashi. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------