ranma@tass.org (Saotome Ranma) I've been searching to find What makes me try again But I don't see the connection Between love and a man I'm looking for a missing person One that I used to know There was one of two That was me and you But now there's a new place to go Help me find my way Please God don't let me go 'Cause I'm still looking Looking for that missing person I oughta know +-----------------------------------------------------------+ | Daigakusei no Ukyou: As You Like It | | | | Created by David Tai, Paul Gallegos, | | John Walter Biles and Jeff Hosmer | | | | Based on the characters created by Rumiko Takahashi | +-----------------------------------------------------------+ ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Episode 06: "Unexpected Visitors" ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ [Ukyou is working in a restaurant, making okonomiyaki. She suddenly stops and looks around curiously, as if uncertain as to why she is here. Not seeing anything amiss, she goes back to the stove. Suddenly, the door bangs open. Beyond the open portal lies rain and thunder and gusts of frightful wind. Ukyou runs over and closes it. When she turns back to the stove, her grandfather is standing behind it.] Ukyou: Grandpa? Kuonji-sama: I am thy father's spirit; Doom'd for a certain term to walk the night, And for the day confin'd to fast in fires Till the foul crimes done in my days of nature Are burnt and purg'd away. But that I am forbid To tell the secrets of my prison-house I could a tale unfold, whose lightest word Would harrow up thy soul; freeze thy young blood; Make thy two eyes, like stars, start from their spheres; Thy knotted and combined locks to part, And each particular hair to stand on end, Like quills upon the fretful procupine; But this eternal blazon must not be To ears of flesh and blood. [Kuonji-sama gestures behind him where Kuonji-san (Ukyou's father) is lying on the floor and her Aunt Akiko is approaching. The restaurant has vanished, leaving them in the halls of the Kuonji Mansion.] Ukyou: [absently] Hamlet, Act One, Scene Five. [more directly] Grandpa, what's going on? Akiko: Good Hamlet, cast thy nighted colour And let thine eye look like a friend on Denmark [She looks at Kuonji-san and takes his hand] Do not forever with thy vailed lids Seek for thy noble father in the dust: [She helps Kuonji-san to his feet] Thou know'st 'tis common,--all that lives must die, Passing through nature to eternity. Kuonji-san: 'Tis sweet and commendable in your nature, Hamlet, To give these mourning duties to your father: But, you must know, your father lost a father; That father lost, lost his; and the survivor bound, In filial obligation, for some term To do obsequious sorrow: but to persevere , In obstinate condolement, is a course Of impious stubbornness; 'tis unmanly grief. Ukyou: [looking both confused and angry] Dad? Aunt Akiko? What are you doing here? You're really freaking me out! What sorrow? [Kuonji-san points behind Ukyou. She spins around and finds herself in the Tendo Dojo. Ranma and Akane are there, along with Soun, Genma, Kasumi, and Nabiki. The Kuonji Mansion, along with Kuonji-san, Kuonji-sama, and Akiko is gone. Ranma is glaring at Akane.] Ranma: Why, i'faith, methinks she is too low for a high praise, too brown for a fair praise, and too little for a great praise: only this commendation I can afford her, that were she other than she is, she were unhandsome; and being no other but as she is, I do not like her. [Ranma sticks his tongue out at Akane, who immediately slams him into the floor with the table.] Soun: Howl, howl, howl, howl! O! you are men of stones; Had I your tongues and eyes, I'd use them so That heaven's vault should crack. [BURST INTO TEARS] Ukyou: [now VERY confused] Wha--?! Ranchan? Akane-chan? But you're married now... [Akane and Ranma are now sitting in Akane's room. She is wearing her wedding dress and he his tuxedo. Ukyou feels tears form in her eyes as she realizes that this is their wedding night.] Ranma: I pray thee now, tell me, for which of my bad parts didst thou first fall in love with me? Akane: [taking his hand and smiling] For them all together; which maintained so politic a state of evil, that they will not admit any good part to intermingle with them. But for which of my good parts did you first suffer love for me? Ranma: SUFFER love; a good epithet! [He gulps as Akane produces her mallet] I do suffer love, indeed, for I love thee against my will. Akane: In spite of thy heart, I think; alas! poor heart! if you spite it for my sake, I will spite it for yours; for I will never love that which my friend hates. Ranma: Thou and I are too wise to woo peacefully. [They kiss. Ukyou, tears running down her face, turns and runs away from them, unmindful of any obstacles. She runs and runs, then suddenly finds herself in the Nekohanten. Mousse is there, and Shampoo. Lardizabal and Makiko watch from a nearby table. Mousse heads toward Ukyou.] Mousse: Hang there, my verse, in witness of my love; And, thou, thrice-crowned queen of night, survey With thy chaste eye from thy pale sphere above, Thy huntress' name, that my full life doth sway, Oh, Rosalind! these trees shall be my books, And in their barks my thoughts I'll character, That every eye, that in this forest looks, Shall see thy virtue witness'd every where. Run, run, Orlando; carve on every tree, The fair, the chaste, and unexpressive she. Ukyou: Mousse, why are you talking to a plant? [Mousse is, indeed, addressing a potted plant. He puts his glasses on and peers at it. Shampoo snorts.] Shampoo: O, that's a brave man! He writes brave verses, speaks brave words, swears brave oaths, and breaks them bravely, quite traverse athwart the heart of his lover; as a puny tilter, that spurs his horse but on one side, breaks his staff like a noble goose; [she splashes water on Mousse, turning him into a duck] but all's brave that youth mounts and folly guides. [Ukyou turns to Makiko and Lardizabal, seeking help.] Makiko: Good people, bring a rescue or two. Thou wo't, wo't thou? thou wo't, wo't ta? [looks at Lardizabal] do, do thou rogue! do, thou hemp-seed! [whacks Lardizabal] Lardizabal: [yelping] Away, you scullion! [Makiko only hits him again] you rampallian! you fustilarian! [Makiko glomps onto him. Lardizabal gets a gleam in his eye.] I'll tickle your catastrophe! [Lardizabal starts attacking Makiko with the ten deadly fingers of doom. She giggles happily and returns the favor. Ukyou watches as the world swirls around her suddenly, twisting and turning, turning dark. The last thing she sees is Megami appearing in front of her.] Megami: If we shadows have offended, Think but this (and all is mended,) That you have but slumber'd here, While these visions did appear. And this weak and idle theme, No more yielding, but a dream, Gentles, do not reprehend, If you pardon, we will mend. And, as I am an honest Puck, If we have unearned luck, Now to 'scape the serpent's tongue, We will make amends, ere long; Else the Puck a liar call. So, goodnight unto you all. Give me your hands, if we be friends, And Robin shall restore amends. [Ukyou wakes with a start. She is sitting in her bed, a large book sitting on her chest. She sits up and looks at the book. It is "The Globe Illustrated Shakespeare: The Complete Works." She sighs.] Ukyou: No more spicy okonomiyaki and late-night reading for me any more. I'm reading this for fun...not so I can have nightmares. Yeesh. * * * [We see Megami wake up with a start, rubbing her eyes. It's clearly still the middle of the night.] Megami: [mumbles] Ugh. What a weird dream. Now, I'm hungry. [gets up and wanders out of the room, down the hallway, and into the kitchen. To her surprise, Shin is raiding the refrigerator] Shouldn't you be in bed? Shin: [starts and bangs his head] Oww! [turns around] I was hungry. Megami: Me too. I had a weird dream and woke up. Shin: Did it have any giant robots? Megami: [shakes her head] No, everyone from home was acting weird, and talking funny like they were really bad actors. And Mom was running around being confused. Then I made a speech I didn't understand and woke up. [digs around in the refrigerator] Shin: [stuffing chips in his face] We need more snack food. Megami: Are you excited about the tournament Ukyou's gonna be in? Shin: Yeah. I like watching martial arts. Megami: Do you think Ukyou will win? Shin: Naah. Megami: ... Shin: Well, maybe if Grandpa isn't in it. He's great! Megami: [starts, then sighs] Megami: What am I gonna tell Kuonji-sama? Shin: [pops up behind her] Tell him about what? Megami: He wants me to marry Ukyou, but I can't. Shin: [nods] Yeah, who'd wanna marry Ukyou, anyway? Megami: But I don't know how to tell him that. Shin: How about, 'I can't marry Ukyou 'cause he's icky.' ? Megami: Ukyou is not icky! Shin: So why can't you marry Ukyou? Megami: Because...because... [blurts out] I'm a Moon Child and Ukyou is my [pauses] ...parent. Shin: You don't look like you did in the TV show. Megami: A Moon Child, not a...[sighs] Anyway, you can't marry your parents. Shin: Why would I want to marry my parents? Megami: ... Shin: Just tell him no. It's a good word! [jumps around] No, no, no, no! Megami: Do you know what a Moon Child is, Shin? Shin: It's where you learn how to exorcize your car, right? Megami: ... Shin: Do you get your own giant robot? Megami: Never mind, Shin. Shin: [jumps up and down] I wanna ride in your giant robot! Megami: [buries her face in her hands] * * * [We see Ukyou and Megami in the kitchen the next morning, making breakfast.] Megami: Are you ready for the tournament today? Ukyou: Yeah. I had this weird dream last night with everyone quoting Shakespeare. Megami: Oh, that's why everyone was talking funny? Ukyou: ... Megami: So what was I quoting? Ukyou: [turns to Megami] You were in my dream? [pauses] I mean, you were in my dream, but that was YOU? Megami: Yeah. Your dreams aren't half as weird as Aunt Makiko's, though. Ukyou: ... Megami: Did I do something wrong? [looks at the fruit she's chopping] Are the pieces supposed to be square or something? Ukyou: [nervously] Umm...It's not normal, and probably not a good idea to go into other people's dreams, Megami. Megami: It isn't? [pauses] I'll try not to do it again. Ukyou: How long have you been doing this? Megami: It happens every once in a while. I'm not really sure how I do it. [finishes off the fruit] It's a knack, I guess. Ukyou: [thinking] I wonder how many other knacks a moon child has. At least she didn't wander into Grandpa's dreams and tell him about them. I hope. * * * [We see Ukyou in the tournament ring. She is still dressed as a boy, wearing her okonomiyaki seller's outfit, armed with giant spatula and her spatula bandolier. She faces a tall bruiser in a wrestling outfit.] Bruiser: Whatcha gonna do when Daigo runs WILD over you? Ukyou: Yawn? Bruiser: Maybe after I put you in a SLEEPER hold! [rushes at Ukyou, who casually scoops him up with her spatula and tosses him out of the ring] Ukyou: Well, that was easier than I expected. Referee: This round to Kuonji Ukyou. [to Ukyou] You're pretty strong, kid. Ukyou: Thanks. [A series of matches follow. Ukyou demolishes the first few competitors in seconds. Cue a montage of people in fighting outfits being tossed or knocked out of the ring. Finally, Ukyou begins to face stiffer opposition, but they go down too. Ukyou, now in the quarter- finals, faces Reika.] Reika: [bows] I saw you fighting earlier. You're really good. Ukyou: [bows] I saw you fight too. You're good as well. Reika: [thinks] Not as good as you. [out loud] Don't go easy on me because I'm a girl. Tsubasa: [up in the stands] Go, Reika, go! Ukyou: There's no danger of that, Reika. [shouts] Want me to toss her up to you, Tsubasa? Tsubasa: Sure! Reika: [mutters] Thanks for the vote of confidence, Tsu-chan. [waits for Ukyou to attack] Ukyou: [waits a while for Reika to attack, then realizes she isn't attacking, so she moves forward to attack] Here we go. Reika: Indeed. [successfully grabs Ukyou and tosses her towards the outside of the ring, only to have Ukyou drive her spatula down into the ground, then flip herself back into the ring without touching the ground outside it when the spatula recoils] ... [thinking] I am so totally screwed. That's not possible! Ukyou: [circles warily] I won't make that mistake twice. Reika: Neither will I. [thinking] Maybe all those cockamanie stories ARE true. Shin: [up in the stands] Who's Ukyou fighting, mommy? Akiko: [looks over at the tournament chart] That's Yamato Reika. Shin: Go, Reika, go! Kick Ukyou's butt! [Akiko groans] Ukyou: [begins pressing Reika with her spatula, swinging it well away from her own body, trying to keep Reika at spatula's length and force her out of the arena] You go to many tournaments? Reika: [looking for a way to avoid being trapped] Yeah. Usually I don't do this well. Ukyou: I haven't been in a real tournament since I was a freshman in high school. But I got a lot of practice in real fights. [keeps up the pressure] Reika: Bruce Lee and Jackie Chan used to come try and beat you up? Ukyou: [laughs] I used to beat them up when I got bored. Reika: I'm not surprised. [takes a chance to slip past Ukyou's guard while she's talking and tosses her. However, Ukyou's snags Reika's shirt as well with one hand and somehow pulls her along with her in a move that mildly defies the laws of physics. As a result, neither of them goes very far.] That's not POSSIBLE! Ukyou: I've met evil spirits and gods. Don't tell me what's possible. [gets up] Let's party. Reika: You...you must be one of those chi-users. I always thought that was a bunch of hokum. Ukyou: So did I, once upon a time. [launches a barrage of attacks that finally drive Reika out of the ring] You're probably one of the best fighters I've ever faced who didn't use chi at least a little. Reika: Who taught you? Ukyou: [grins] I got my degree in Chi from the Nerima branch of the University of Hard Knocks. [bows to Reika, who bows back] I still can't throw balls of energy around like in Street Cleaner Fighter or Mortal Wombat yet, though. Referee: The winner is Ukyou Kuonji. Reika: You think you could teach me? Ukyou: Well, there's not a lot I can teach before I go back to Tokyo, but I can try. [stretches] I have a little while before my next match. Come meet my folks and we can talk about it. * * * [We see the family having a victory dinner at the Kuonji Okonomiyaki shop.] Kuonji-sama: Congratulations on winning the tournament, Ukyou. Megami: You were great! Akiko: You're really improved a lot since you went away, Ukyou. Kuonji-san: I was very proud of you, Ukyou. Ukyou: [blushes] Thanks, dad. Kuonji-sama: [smiles] So who was that girl again you introduced to us? Ukyou: [nervously] She's interested in studying chi techniques with me. Kuonji-sama: [smiles more broadly] It's good to see people who are dedicated to their art that much. Ukyou: [thinking] I suspect that's not all he hopes she's dedicated to. * * * [We see Ukyou kneeling before the family shrine. She has lit a candle and is trying to pray.] Ukyou: Umm...I don't exactly come talk to you guys much but I'll take any advice I can get. [pause] I mean, I'm so desperate that I'm...uh...[scratches her head nervously] I just don't know what to do. [pauses hopefully] Female Voice: You should bring some food as an offering, for one thing. Ukyou: [visibly starts] Uh...right. [gets up, runs to the kitchen and returns with a bowl of sake and a bowl of rice and pickled vegetables] Umm...want me to warm it up in the microwave? Female Voice: [giggles] Gee, you must be pretty nervous if you didn't recognize my voice, Mom. [It is Megami. She steps out of the shadows by the door] Ukyou: ... Megami: [kneels down by Ukyou] Spirits of our ancestors, guide us in how to do deal with your descendent Great-Grandfather Kuonji. We don't know what to do without making matters worse. [There are munching noises, and then a voice speaks] Female Voice: Eating them cold is fine, but they need salt. Akiko never did listen when I told her that. Ukyou: [her head snaps up] G...Grandma? [A translucent figure stands before them, eating from the bowl with chopsticks. She bears a strong resemblance to Ukyou in the face, although she is much taller and thinner.] Grandma's Ghost: Hello, granddaughter. Hello, Moon Child. [pauses to eat more of the vegetables] Ukyou: ... Megami: Hello, Great-grandmother! I'm glad I'm getting to meet you! Grandma's Ghost: [looks at Ukyou] Surely with all the weird things you've seen, you shouldn't be boggling so much. Ukyou: I never thought I'd see you again. I... [tries to hug her grandmother, but her arms go through her] Grandma's Ghost: I can barely get my hands to solidify enough so I can eat this food. I'm sorry, Granddaughter. [puts down the bowl and briefly places her hands on Ukyou's forehead] How are your studies coming along? Ukyou: [starts slightly] I'm doing very well, and I like it a lot. I've made some new friends and kept in touch with some of my old ones. I...I finally settled everything with Ranma. Grandma's Ghost: And found a Moon Child. [smiles] As to what to do about my husband...as long as you keep going to people for advice, you'll never get around to doing anything. I don't know when he will die, or how he will react, but I do know that if you miss this chance, you may not get another. Only you can decide if you should wait for your father to move out, but I recommend you decide soon and stop tormenting yourself. [takes her hands off Ukyou's forehead and starts eating again] You'll have bigger problems soon to deal with anyway. Ukyou: ... Megami: Like what? Ukyou's Grandmother: [blinks] Oops. Forget I said that. Ukyou: Problems like what? Ukyou's Grandmother: [looks at her wrist, which is bare] Oh my, look at the time. I must be going. Ukyou: [stands up] Don't say something like that and not tell me what it is! Ukyou's Grandmother: [starts to fade away] If you meet the Buddha on the road, kill him. Megami: That's mean! Ukyou: What is THAT supposed to mean? Ukyou's Grandmother: [fading more] I have no idea, but I've always wanted to have an excuse to say that. Just remember, granddaughter, that what we need is not always the same as what we want, and that when we get what we want, we often find it is not what we expected it to be. [only her eyes and the shadow of her lips remain] My daughter sends her love to you. Goodbye until we meet again. [fades entirely] Megami: Wow, does that happen every time you pray at this shrine? Ukyou: [looks mildly stunned] This is my first time. Megami: So why does she want us to kill Buddha? Ukyou: It's a koan. Megami: A what? Ukyou: [staring thoughtfully at the shrine] It's a saying meant to force you to think in a different way than you normally do. Megami: Well, I don't normally think about killing. Ukyou: [laughs] Me neither. * * * [We see Kuonji-sama relaxing in the living room, reading the newspaper. He is sitting on the couch. Megami walks in.] Megami: Can I ask you a question? Kuonji-sama: Certainly. How was your trip to Kyoto? Megami: [sits down on a chair opposite Kuonji-sama] It was a lot of fun. I met a really...I met some nice people. Do you know anything about koans, Kuonji-sama? Kuonji-sama: [puts down the paper] I've spent a little while studying Zen, but I didn't really have the patience for it and the koans made my head hurt, but I can give it a shot. Which one were you told? Megami: If you see the Buddha on the road, kill him. Kuonji-sama: [laughs] Ahh, that one. You do realize that to tell someone the point of a koan is to negate that point right? Megami: Is that another koan? Kuonji-sama: [smiles] Perhaps it is. Megami: Isn't Buddha already dead, anyway? Kuonji-sama: There are many Buddhas you can meet on the road. [pauses] The idea behind koans is to make you experience the truth, rather than to simply tell it to you, because the truth sometimes has to be experienced if we are to make it real. Enlightenment is a state of being, not a collection of beliefs. That's what makes it hard to achieve. Megami: Have you ever seen a ghost, Kuonji-san? Kuonji-sama: Only in my dreams. I've never been very spiritually inclined. Megami: Do you believe in ghosts? Kuonji-sama: I think the dead live on, but I guess none of them want to come talk to me. [pauses] Which isn't a bad thing with some of them. [snaps his fingers] I can't believe I almost forgot. Did you talk to your parents about what I asked you about? Megami: [hesitates, then takes a deep breath] I don't have any parents. I'm a Moon Child. Ukyou found me in a bamboo grove. Kuonji-sama: ... Megami: And before you ask, I don't have a giant robot. Kuonji-sama: ... Megami: Not that I REALLY thought you'd ask, but... Kuonji-sama: ... Megami: [gets up, walks over and waves a hand in front of his face] Are you okay, Kuonji-sama? Kuonji-sama: A...moon child? [thinking] I must be going senile. I have to be imagining this. Ukyou: [from the doorway] Yeah. I found her in a bamboo grove. No gems and diamonds, though. Kuonji-sama: Is this some kind of strange joke? Megami: Nope. Kuonji-sama: [frowns] I can't believe this, but I can't see why you would claim this, either. Megami: You've got to believe me! [for a moment, her eyes flash, although no one notices] Ukyou: [shudders slightly, thinking] I feel a chill. Kuonji-sama: [looks doubtful] Can you offer any proof? Megami: Come with me, great-grandfather. [gets up and heads out of the room. Kuonji-sama frowns then rises and follows her] If we pray, someone should come vouch for me. [thinking] I hope. [They head silently to the family shrine. Kuonji-sama doesn't look very happy.] Ukyou: [thinking] Did Megami make Grandmother show up earlier? Kuonji-sama: [thinking] I don't like this. Megami: [blinks] Oh wait, I need to get an offering. [runs to the kitchen and gets some food and drink, then comes back] I hope they like tea. We're out of sake. Ukyou: Better not call up any warrior gods, then. [thinking] Or one of Lardy's ancestors. [They kneel before the shrine.] Megami: Oh ancestors of the Kuonji family, please show Kuonji- sama the truth. [There is a swirl of light, and Ukyou's mother appears, dressed in a kimono. She has long black hair running free down her back and looks like Ukyou, but several inches taller and more slender] Mama-san: [smiling and turning to each in turn] Hello, Father. Hello, Ukyou. Hello, grandchild. Ukyou: [stares in shock] Mom... Megami: [thinking] I hope she knows I'm a Moon-Child. Kuonji-sama: Daughter... I have missed you so much. [runs forward and tries to embrace her but his arms pass through her] Just a ghost. [sighs] Mama-san: Megami is indeed a moon child. It is only because she is present that I can come to you, and only here. Kuonji-sama: Ukyou, get your aunt Akiko. And your father. [turns back to Mama-san] How long can you stay? Mama-san: Not long. The dead are not allowed to disturb the living for long, even if both sides desire it, except under certain circumstances which don't apply here. [walks over to Ukyou and closes her eyes, then kisses Ukyou, who feels just the tiniest peck of a kiss, then does the same thing to Kuonji-sama. She then picks up the bowl of rice and the tea] What, no okonomiyaki? Ukyou: [sweatdrops] Um, I could make you some... Mama-san: I'd like that. Ukyou: [goes and gets the porta-grill] What kind of toppings do you want? Kuonji-sama: Would it be possible for me to see my...wife? Megami: Sure. [kneels and prays silently for a minute. Dozens of ghostly figures start to appear. Not only is Grandma Kuonji among the horde, but also a series of people in more and more archaic clothing as you get to the back of the horde: Great-Grandpa Kuonji, Kuonji-sama's brothers and sisters, Great-Great-Grandpa Kuonji, Great-Great-Great-Grandma Kuonji, and even further back] Grandma Kuonji: Better cook quickly, Ukyou. Ukyou: ... Megami: I'll...uh...go get some more tea. Great-Great-Grandpa Kuonji: [a young looking man with an eye-patch, dressed in slightly tattered samurai robes, tries to grab Kuonji-sama and shake him, but his hands go through Kuonji-sama] How could you become a MERCHANT? You have dishonored your ancestors! Great-Great-Great-Grandma Kuonji: So says the man who sold his own brother to the Yakuza! [clonks G-G-Grandpa Kuonji in the head with a mallet] Great-Great-Granduncle Kuonji: [an old man in simple yellow robes] That was YOU? DIE! [launches a flying kick at G-G-Grandpa Kuonji, misses him and goes right through the wall. A massive ghostly brawl breaks out.] Kuonji-sama: [to Ukyou] They can't actually hurt anyone, can they? Ukyou: I don't think so. [flips over the okonomiyakis on the grill] Great-Great-Great-Great-Great-Granduncle Kuonji: [a Buddhist monk] I shall try to settle this. [walks into the middle of the rising brawl] We should be at peace! Great-Great-Great-Granduncle Kuonji, three times removed: [ugly middle-aged bulky balding man in a white gi] FIRES OF HEAVEN! [Great-Great-Great-Granduncle Kuonji, three times removed, fires a chi blast at Great-Great-Great-Grandcousin Kuonji, twice removed. The blast sends him flying and blows out a wall of the house.] Kuonji-sama: ... Ukyou: Guess I won't quit my day job. * * * [We see Akiko at her desk, going over some contracts.] Akiko: Hmm, so they want a five percent pay raise... [She hears an explosion downstairs] Akiko: ... [A few seconds later, three ghostly women in kimonos, all middle- aged, drift up through the floor and start looking around the room. They all look fairly similar, probably because of using the same early nineteenth century beauty techniques excessively.] Great-Great-Grandaunt Mariko Kuonji: [looks around the room and frowns] They took down my tapestry. Great-Great-Grandaunt Himeko Kuonji: [shakes her head] And our descendant is dressed like a peasant! Great-Great-Grandmother Akiko Kuonji: [frowns] She's MY descendant, not yours. I seem to remember that neither of you ever married, but instead mooched off of us for seventy years. Akiko: Who are you people? Great-Great-Grandaunt Mariko Kuonji: I'm your great-great-grandaunt. [looks around] Hey! You took down the watercolor that Keiichi drew of me! Akiko: That was supposed to be a human being? Great-Great-Grandaunt Mariko Kuonji: [shouting and waving a fan] YOU ARE UNWORTHY OF THE KUONJI FAMILY! Great-Great-Grandaunt Himeko Kuonji: Actually, you did look rather like a tanuki in that picture, Mariko. Great-Great-Grandmother Akiko Kuonji: [puts her hands on her hips] Well, she looks a fair amount like a tanuki all the time. Great-Great-Grandaunt Mariko Kuonji: [points her fan at the elder Akiko] You're just standing up for her because she has your name! Akiko: Umm...who are you people? Great-Great-Grandaunt Mariko Kuonji: Can't you even recognize your own ANCESTORS? Akiko: [rolls her eyes] Oh please. No one in their right mind believes in ghosts. Great-Great-Grandaunt Mariko Kuonji: HERETIC! BLASPHEMER! BURN HER AT THE STAKE! [jumps up and down] Great-Great-Grandaunt Himeko Kuonji: We can't even pick up flint and steel, Mariko. Akiko: Look, whoever you are, you're trespassing! Get out! [tries to herd them out and walks right through them] ... Great-Great-Grandaunt Mariko Kuonji: [smiles] Boo. Akiko: [screams and runs out of the room] THERE'S GHOSTS IN THE HOUSE! [runs down the stairs and sees Megami about to run up the stairs] Megami, there's ghosts in the house! Megami: I know! RUN! [points to an approaching ghost, who is dressed in incredibly archaic clothing. He looks to be fairly young, maybe in his thirties, and has an incredibly lecherous look on his face.] Great-Great-Great-Great-Great-Great-Great-Great-Great-Great- Great-Great-Great-Great-Great-Great-Great-Great-Great-Great- Great-Great-Great-Great-Great-Great-Great-Granduncle Ryo Kuonji, three times removed, once with a catapult: Another beautiful woman! Though you are not of noble birth, I shall gladly consort with thee! [charges towards them] Akiko: AHHH!!! [turns to run and trips on the stairs. Ryo leaps at her and goes right through her and into the stairs. A second ghost charges through them and grabs Ryo, dragging him off, clearly giving him a lecture as they go] ... Megami: Hey, he didn't go through me when he tried to grab me! I had to beat him up...not that he cared much. Akiko: Where is Father? Megami: He's trying to convince Great-Great-Great-Great-Great-Great- Great-Great-Great-Great-Great-Great-Great-Great-Great-Great- Great-Great-Great-Great-Great-Great-Great-Great-Great-Great- Great-Grandfather Kyo Kuonji that this isn't the ideal time to try to become Shogun before any of the other families come back from the afterlife and make a bid for it. Akiko: ... Megami: I think it's gonna be a while before I pray to anyone's ancestors again. Akiko: You did this? Megami: Um, well, I sorta didn't...I mean...I only wanted one ghost to show up, but I kinda didn't know what I was...uh...doing. [laughs nervously] Akiko: How many ghosts showed up? Megami: Everyone on the family shrine. Akiko: But the shrine goes back to the early tenth century! Megami: [laughs nervously] Did you know that one of your ancestors had twelve children survive to maturity by three wives? And all of them had at least six kids and...uh... Akiko: ... Megami: I think five of them are looking for horses so they can go collect back taxes. Akiko: ... Megami: You'd be amazed how many Kuonjis mastered really destructive chi techniques. Grandpa and Ukyou are gonna learn a lot if they don't die first. [bigsweats] It's amazing how much you can learn about your ancestry, right? Akiko: Please tell me you know how to send them all back. Megami: I know how to send them all back. Akiko: How? And if you tell me you said that just because I asked you, I'm going to scream. Megami: [tinysweats] All we have to do is become boddhisatvas and use our good karma to help them escape the cycle of reincarnation. Akiko: Do you know any methods we can USE? In this lifetime? Megami: Call the Ghostbusters? Akiko: That was just a movie! Megami: [sounds vaguely hysterical] Maybe if we set the house on fire... Akiko: [grabs Megami and drags her past three ghosts trying unsuccessfully to rearrange the furniture] Let's go see if Father has any ideas. * * * [We see Akiko walking determinedly down a street towards a large traditional Japanese temple. Well, a somewhat traditional one. While the architecture is in the traditional style, the building is a deep purple in color and has a huge eye-in-the-pyramid symbol over the door. The Buddha statue in front is kneeling and has his eyes squinting as if he was peering through a keyhole. Also, he's wearing a trenchcoat. The kanji on the Torii (an archway gate that looks somewhat like the Greek letter pi) are written to resemble the style of the X-files logo.] Akiko: [mutters] I never thought I'd visit the temple of the paranoid Buddha. [walks up the steps] [Three monks step out of the front doors of the temple as she approaches. All are wearing Ochre robes. The leader has black hair in a bowl cut. The second is thin and spindly, with curly brown hair, and the third has a shaved head and is somewhat stout.] Master Myo: [the one with the bowl cut] Ahh, a seeker of truth. Master Cur-li: [the one with the shaved head] Ohh, a wisegal, eh? Master Lar-i: [the one with the curly brown hair] She's probably with the CIA. Akiko: [bows] Honored monks, do you perform exorcisms? Master Myo: You don't look possessed. Akiko: Our ancestors are running wild over the neighborhood and our home. Master Cur-li: Actually, they're probably those alien criminals that were imprisoned in Mount Fuji a million years ago when the spaceship transporting them to the M-61 galaxy crashed. Master Lar-i: [waves his arms wildly] They've come to punish us for polluting our world! If only Ultraman was here! Master Myo: [pokes Lar-i in the eyes, who collapses with his hands held up in 'demon ward' signs] Our standard fee for exorcisms is 5,000 yen, unless you're rich, in which case it's 500,000 yen or... Akiko: Or? Master Myo: We'd settle for a complete set of X-files tapes. Akiko: We're going to be poor if someone doesn't stop my ancestors before they destroy everything. Does that count? Master Cur-li: So you're descended from the Arcturian Secret Masters? [dances around her, sprinkling non-dairy creamer on her] We must exorcize you first! Akiko: Hey, this suit is EXPENSIVE! Master Lar-i: You must let go of your attachment to the material world, or the thirteen evil sages will devour your soul! Trust no one! Keep your laser handy! [starts to rant] Master Myo: [drops huge Tanuki statues on his two partners] Don't mind them. Your father owns a chain of okonomiyaki shops, right? Akiko: Right. Master Myo: We'll do it if you let us distribute our literature in all your shops for a year. Akiko: Deal. Master Myo: So how many ghosts are we talking? Akiko: Less than a thousand. Master Myo: How much less? Akiko: Not less enough for my tastes. * * * [Ukyou is trying to feed hundreds of hungry ghosts in the room that houses the Kuonji shrine, while Kuonji-sama argues with the ghosts.] Honored Ancestor Kyo Kuonji: [a ghost dressed in full thirteenth century samurai armor] I am a ghost! Their bullets will be irrelevant! Kuonji-sama: So will your sword. You can't hurt them. Honored Ancestor Kyo Kuonji: ... Kuonji-sama: So I suggest you go back to the afterlife. Honored Ancestor Kyo Kuonji: But they won't let me conquer anything! It's sooooo boring! Megami: Will you go if we sacrifice a Game Boy to you? Honored Ancestor Kyo Kuonji: A true warrior cares nothing for Game Boys! [thinking] What's a Game Boy? * * * [We see Kuonji-san, Ukyou's father, wandering around the house in disbelief watching the ancestral ghosts run amuck. Not all of them are rampaging, and some are even trying to keep the others in check, but too many old arguments seem to have surfaced and old feuds erupted. He enters the back yard and finds Shin playing in the pool with all the ancestral ghosts that died in childhood.] Shin: Come and swim with us! Kuonji-san: It's not safe to play with ghosts! [runs over] Shin: But they're all really nice! [climbs out of the pool] C'mon and play with us! Great-Great-Great-Grandcousin Miki: [a cute little five year old with blue hair in a kimono] Yeah, come play with us! [tries to splash water on Kuonji-san, but it won't splash because her hand goes through it] Stupid water! Kuonji-san: [blinks, thinking] I've never seen anyone swim in a kimono before. Shin: [tugs his leg] C'mon! I wanna play submarine! Great-Great-Great-Grandcousin Miki: Yeah, let's play submarine! [All the children begin chorusing that they want to play submarine] Kuonji-san: [nervously] Well, if you insist... Shin: YAAAY!!!! * * * [Akiko and the three monks walk in the front door. Thirty or so kimono clad female ancestral ghosts are all arguing over how to arrange the furniture and how much of it to burn. Two of them are having a Martial Arts Tea Ceremony duel to settle it. A few of the more sensible ones are trying to restrain the others, but most seem determined to not be sensible.] Akiko: All right! This is your last warning! Go back where you came from or be banished! Great-Great-Grandaunt Mariko Kuonji: [unleashes a flight of tea spoons at another ghost] Take that, Asahi! Great-Great-Grandaunt, once removed Asahi Kuonji: [scuttles to one side, remaining in the tea serving position the entire time] You ought to have your eyes checked, dear. And your brain. Master Myo: Recite the sacred mantras! Master Lar-i: Owa... Master Myo: Tagu... Master Cur-li: Siam. [They repeat this over and over in a droning tone of voice. Slowly, all the ghosts start to look distracted, then sleepy, then slowly slump over.] Akiko: That was easy. Master Myo: Now we just have to move them back to the family shrine. Master Cur-li: [tries to reach down and pick up a sleeping ghost but his hands go through her] Uhh... Master Lar-i: ... Akiko: Is there another way to do it? Master Myo: We could perform the entire Ramayana. Akiko: [looks dubious] That gets rid of ghosts? Master Myo: Well, by the time we finished, they'd wake up, get bored and leave. Master Cur-li: That's it! We can force them to watch C-Span! That could bore ANYTHING into going away! Master Myo: Do you have satellite television? Akiko: Well, yes, but... Master Myo: Lar-i, get the eightfold tool kit. [cracks his knuckles] Time to go to work. * * * [Soon, the Kuonji household is flooded with broadcasts of the Congressional Sub-Committee to discuss making National Broccoli day into National Broccoli Week. However, while MOST of the ancestral ghosts fled back to the afterlife, Honored Ancestor Kyo has other ideas. Mama-san hasn't left yet either, although she has her eyes closed and her ears plugged.] Honored Ancestor Kyo Kuonji: Amazing. Never have I seen so many brave warriors flee from talking heads. I shall carry one of these before my army when I capture Kyoto. Kuonji-sama: The capital is in Tokyo now. Honored Ancestor Kyo Kuonji: In what? Akiko: Look, it's time for you to GO! Honored Ancestor Kyo Kuonji: I do not take orders from women! Ukyou: [frowns] Too bad. GET OUT. Honored Ancestor Kyo Kuonji: Or what? Ukyou: [pauses] Um....or I'll say get out again. Honored Ancestor Kyo Kuonji: Baah. To be thrown out of my ancestral home... Kuonji-sama: Actually, your ancestral home burned down in the fourteenth century and was a hundred miles from here. Honored Ancestor Kyo Kuonji: WHO BURNED MY HOUSE? Ukyou: [thinks quickly] This guy named ...uh...Tokugawa. Who then became Shogun of Japan. Honored Ancestor Kyo Kuonji: THAT MONKEY! I will DESTROY HIM! Where is he? Ukyou: In the afterlife somewhere. Honored Ancestor Kyo Kuonji: He will NOT escape me! [leaps onto his ghost horse and vanishes] Master Myo: Just one more ghost to go, I think. Mama-san: [unplugs her ears] You won't have to use force on me. [gives Ukyou a spectral hug] I'm going to go say hello and goodbye to my husband. Until we meet again. Ukyou: [quietly] Goodbye, mama. [hugs her back as best she can hug a ghost] Akiko: C'mon, monks. We have to make sure we rousted everyone out. [She and the monks move out, portable TVs in hand.] Kuonji-sama: That was quick thinking how you got rid of Kyo-sama. Ukyou: Yeah. I guess Tokugawa isn't gonna be happy I sent Kyo-sama after him, but I couldn't think of who burned down our ancestral home. Kuonji-sama: I think a cow kicked over a lantern. Megami: That was Chicago. Kuonji-sama: I didn't say it was the SAME cow. [They all laugh.] Megami: I promise I won't do this again. Ukyou: You'd better not. [thinks for a moment] I never realized our ancestors were this whacko. Kuonji-sama: [winces] Neither did I. Explains a few things though. You've heard the story about Biko Kuonji in the sixteenth century, right? Ukyou: I don't think you ever told us that one. Kuonji-sama: [sits down] Her father needed an heir and after five girls, they were getting desperate. So when they had a sixth one, they told everyone she was a boy and forced her to live as one. They raised her to be a samurai, and she was a pretty good one, according to the stories. She had a fiery temper. [pauses] I think I saw her at one point here, arguing with the guy she married, who had been raised as a girl for reasons I can't remember anymore. Megami: So what happened? Kuonji-sama: It finally came out a few years after the wedding. There was a great outcry, but this was during the years of chaos when the Ashikaga shogunate was crumbling, so nothing was done about it. The family lost a lot of face, however. Megami: What do you think would happen if something like that happened now? Kuonji-sama: Be rather surprised, I think. Ukyou: [takes a deep breath] Well, it did. I'm actually a girl. Kuonji-sama: ... Ukyou: Mom and Dad got kinda panicked when they had a girl and sorta...uh...told you I was a boy and then... Kuonji-sama: ... Megami: Are you okay, Grandpa? Kuonji-sama: It's finally happened. I'm going senile and starting to hallucinate. [stares at his hands] I'm gonna sprout flowers from my fingers next, right? Megami: ... Ukyou: Okay, Grandpa, let me tell you how it all happened. In detail. Kuonji-sama: Next, you're going to tell me that Akiko-chan is marrying my son-in-law and Shin is marrying Megami. Megami: Not if I can help it. Ukyou: ... Kuonji-sama: [stands up and walks over to Ukyou] This is one of those weird college student jokes I can't get because I'm too old, right? Ukyou: Sometimes my life feels like one of those jokes, but no, this is quite real. [pauses] Do I need to take off my shirt or something? Kuonji-sama: [blushes slightly] Uh, no. [quietly] Are you sure I'm not imagining this? Megami: It's as real as me. Kuonji-sama: I think I'll just faint now. [*KERTHUNK!* Megami catches him.] * * * [We see Kuonji-sama, who is clonked out in bed. Kuonji-san is sitting quietly nearby, reading a book. Kuonji-sama stirs.] Kuonji-sama: [mumbles] What a horrible dream. Kuonji-san: [quietly] It wasn't a dream. Kuonji-sama: Ukyou is really a... Kuonji-san: Yes. Kuonji-sama: [sits up and frowns] Why? Kuonji-san: [sighs] I was scared of what you'd do. You'd been making very broad hints about how much you wanted a grandson, and well, uh...[stares out the window] We kinda panicked. Kuonji-sama: [angrily] Goddamn it, do you think me such a MONSTER that I'd do something to my own daughter just because the fates hadn't blessed her with a boy? Kuonji-san: [loudly, but without looking at Kuonji-sama] You tried to SHOOT ME with your old World War II rifle! What the hell was I supposed to think when you started making those hints? Kuonji-sama: [frowning] Did I shoot you? Kuonji-san: [louder] My wife got in the way! Otherwise, you'd have killed me! Kuonji-sama: [waving his arms angrily] Do you know how many different ways I could have killed you in the last twenty years if I really wanted you dead? Besides, that old thing doesn't have any bullets left. I used the last one in 1958 on a squirrel. Do you really think I could murder someone? Kuonji-san: [sighs] I just..you... Kuonji-sama: [gets out of the bed and stretches] I don't even want to know how you talked my daughter into this. Kuonji-san: I was so panicked, she couldn't say no, and then after a while, we were too embarrassed to say anything. Then, after the Saotome disaster, Ukyou WANTED to live as a boy. Kuonji-sama: [blinks] So what exactly REALLY happened with that? Kuonji-san: [stares at the floor] Okay, this is how it went... * * * [We see Ukyou and Megami down in the kitchen, making dinner] Ukyou: Pass the saffron. Megami: [passes it] I can hear Grandpa and great-Grandpa fighting. Ukyou: [sighs] They do that a lot. Go dice those carrots, now. Megami: [goes to work dicing the carrots] Do you think he's going to ground Grandpa? Ukyou: [laughs so hard she spills a lot of saffron, then gets some up her nose and can't stop sneezing for a while] He's probably gonna ground Dad for life. Megami: [looks at the saffron] Are you supposed to use that much? Ukyou: Only if I wanted to serve about a hundred. Megami: Is that a no? Ukyou: Yes. Megami: So it's a yes? Ukyou: No. Megami: [starts to speak, then falls silent] * * * [Back in Kuonji-sama's room] Kuonji-san: So eventually, he ended up marrying the other fiancee. Only the gods know whatever eventually happened to our yatai. [takes a deep breath] So now what? Kuonji-sama: [sighs] We go on with our lives. I have two more grandsons, even if neither of them impresses me as much as Ukyou. Kuonji-san: You're not going to...uh...[hems and haws] Kuonji-sama: [stands up again] I'm going to go eat dinner. I do not know if I will ever like you very much, son-in-law, but as I told Ukyou, sometimes you forgive the father for the sake of the son, or in this case, the daughter. [starts to walk towards the door] I don't want to spend the last years of my life nursing grudges. I could throw you out of the house, I suppose, but you're planning to leave soon, anyway, right? Kuonji-san: [stares in shock] You know? Kuonji-sama: I'm not senile yet. [turns back to him] I won't pretend I'm not very angry with you, because I am, but I'm getting too old to fight with you all the time. [takes a deep breath] Do you think we can try to make these next few months a little more civil? Kuonji-san: Sure. [pauses] It'll make Ukyou happy. Kuonji-sama: It'll make me happy. [turns back to the door again] Let's go eat. * * * [It is evening. Kuonji-sama is in the backyard chopping a log into tiny little bits with an axe. Ukyou approaches him nervously.] Ukyou: Umm...having fun? Kuonji-sama: [flatly] I can't kill anyone while I'm defeating this log. Ukyou: ... Kuonji-sama: [still chopping, but a little less frenziedly] I'm not very pleased with you, Ukyou. [sighs] You were just doing your filial duty, but that doesn't appease me as much as I wish it did. Ukyou: Well, for a long time, I wanted to live as a boy. Kuonji-sama: I know. [kicks the fragments out of the way and moves up the log] I'm glad you waited until after the ghosts came to tell me, though. Ukyou: [blinks] Why? Kuonji-sama: Seeing so many of my ancestors still hadn't forgiven old grudges, were still driven by the same obsessions they had when they were alive...it disturbed me. [stops chopping and leans on the axe] I had a vision of Kuonji-san and I chasing each other around through some future descendant's house, still feuding after centuries. They hadn't learned anything. [sighs] I don't know how to forgive your father, but I want to learn, because I refuse to end up like them. I'm going to do better, if it kills me. [looks at the log] So I thought I'd start by taking out all my anger on this log. Ukyou: It's a big log. Kuonji-sama: I'm probably going to need a second one. [pauses] Did Saotome's father ever apologize to you for what he did? Ukyou: No. [sighs] I don't think Genma understands the concept. Now, groveling...that he's good at. Kuonji-sama: Your birthday is in two months right? Ukyou: [blinks] Yeah. Kuonji-sama: [grins] Perhaps we'll come visit you for it. [pauses] So how are you managing to afford to support Megami? Are you going to need help? Ukyou: Well, it's only been a few weeks so far. She aged from baby to where she is now in less than a month. Kuonji-sama: ... Ukyou: But yeah, the money is going to get tight. I hadn't really thought about it. [frowns] Kuonji-sama: If you need help, you need but ask. [shakes his head] A moon child. I can hardly believe it. I suppose I'll meet the Buddha on the road next. Ukyou: Well, I know a girl who turns into a cat and a guy who turns into a duck when they get wet. If you come visit, you'll probably meet them. Kuonji-sama: ... Ukyou: And they're two of the more normal of the people I met in high school. Kuonji-sama: I hope it didn't rain at your graduation ceremonies. Ukyou: Well, they weren't actually in the school, and we had a typhoon on graduation day. That's why you couldn't come, remember? Kuonji-sama: [laughs] Yes, I remember now. Tell me more about your high school days. I still don't know much about what it was like for you. [gets a far away look] I remember my high school days quite happily. Ukyou: They were the best of times; they were the worst of times; they were good preparation in case I ever decide to move to Hong Kong and star in martial arts flicks. [leans against a tree and laughs] I think I'll start with the time we met the phoenix. It's not nearly HALF as impressive a creature as you'd think. In fact it was really ugly and stupid looking, but... * * * [We see Ukyou and Megami hauling their bags up the stairs to their apartment.] Ukyou: It's good to be home. Megami: It was nice to meet my family. Ukyou: [smiles] Did you have a good time? Megami: Yeah. [pauses] Do you think I could take some classes this semester? It's going to be really boring with you two in class all day. Ukyou: ... [unlocks the door of the apartment. The sounds of Doom surround them. Makiko is inside, playing on the computer] Makiko: Hi! Megami: Well? Ukyou: [carries her stuff towards her bedroom] Well, umm...hmm...you'd have to get admitted. Which would be tricky with no high school diploma. [thinking] We do need to do something about educating you...but what? Makiko: How did things go once you got back home? Ukyou: [comes back out] We've got lots to tell you about. [Fade to black as Ukyou tells Makiko about everything.] ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ finis. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ I've seen wonders As I move through time More power and magic Than I thought would be mine Looking back at yesterdays Things we used to know A wasted chance and lonely days Time moves on, people come and go Is it my destiny How am I to know? Waiting for a miracle while Searching my soul A second chance A dream come true I'll learn to love again When I stand by you So I'm on my way The journey's just begun I'm gonna keep all the memories But never forget the one ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Written by John Walter Biles, David Tai, Paul Gallegos, and Jeff Hosmer Artwork by Jong Man Hwang. DnR Companion by Mike "Nelson" Gulick. Special Thanks to Tucson Animation Screening Society (TASS) and of course Rumiko Takahashi Copyright (c) 1998 Digital Knight Communications. "Ranma 1/2" and its characters are Copyright (c) 1998 Viz Communications, Inc., Shogakukan, Kitty Animation, and Rumiko Takahashi. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------